


I'm Doing Fine

by TokioMisa



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alpha Im Jaebum | JB, Alpha Jackson Wang, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Amnesia, Angst and Drama, Anxiety, Cutting, Depression, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Imprinting, Jaebum tries to be superman, Learning to live again, Love Triangles, M/M, Mark is hurting badly, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Omega Mark Tuan, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Mark Tuan, Secrets, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags May Change, Touch-Starved, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, You Have Been Warned, they're human though, this one is full of feels, you will cry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-27 13:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30123360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TokioMisa/pseuds/TokioMisa
Summary: “Then just forget about me! That’d make everything better right? If you had never met me then you would be happy, wouldn’t you? You’d be happy and I...I’ll be just fine.”
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Mark Tuan, Jackson Wang & Original Female Character(s), Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang
Comments: 78
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There's a lot going on in my life right now that I won't bore you or go into details but I needed an outlet so this story is gonna be raw and vulnerable. It might make you uncomfortable. It might make you aware of the mental illness you're trying to avoid thinking about. It might have parts of me in this story that are real or thoughts I've had. This story might even turn you away. 
> 
> I also got the idea from the song, 'Nerves' by DPR IAN so if you want to torture yourself further you can listen to that song while reading. 
> 
> And if you're hurting, just know I'm there with you and I've been trying to fight it everyday so I understand and you're not alone. You're never alone

He didn’t want to fight. He really didn’t. They were rare and in between but sadly fights happening no matter how hard you try to stop it. From a simple disagreement or a misunderstanding. Sometimes it happens when everything becomes too much and your emotions just explode out before you can stop it. For Mark, it had been building and building for years now. Years. He should’ve been happy with what he had. He should’ve cherished those secret hugs and kisses behind the camera. The conversations late into the night as they shared the same bed. Where only the moonlight that shined down onto them knew about their love. Knew what Mark so deeply craved and needed. 

But he couldn’t help it. He’s a passionate person. He loves with all his heart and can’t help but want to express his love for everyone to see. For others to know how much he loves this person. How much he cares about them...but he can’t.

At the beginning, the alpha was fine with it. He even encouraged it. They were both foreigners that took the chance moving to Korea where they met that fateful day. Jackson even remembers the exact time and date. He knows what Mark was wearing and that dumb umbrella he carried. He wasn’t afraid to mention it. Wasted afraid of hinting that they fell in love that day. Wasn’t afraid to talk about it on multiple occasions and the things they did. Wasn’t afraid of touching him. Hugging him. Looking at him with hearts in his eyes. But as fast as the moment it took for Mark to fall in love, things changed. They were rising in fame. They were getting more and more in the spotlight. People took Markson as they were literally dating and that’s when Jackson stopped. Told him they couldn’t do this publicly. Told him they needed to tone it down so they wouldn’t ruin Got7’s image. That they wouldn’t ruin their careers before it could start. Promising him that it wouldn’t be like this all the time. That one day they can announce it to the world of the truth. And Mark believed him. Held onto his words because why wouldn’t he? He gave Jackson his all. Wanted to take the bite from Jackson too but the alpha refused. Saying one day. One day.

So the touches became less and less every time the cameras were on. If Mark slipped up and touched, Jackson would move away or do something else as a distraction. Sometimes he’ll throw him a look and Mark would catch on and stop. He never admitted it but it hurt. It hurt to not be able to openly touch the one you love like you want to. To be constantly in front of them but have to act like you’re just a friend. Just a band member. When Jackson slips up, it’s like an immediate burn, a slap as the alpha will jerk away like touching Mark was forbidden. A sin. Jackson was always checking to see who was watching, who might think a certain way. 

But when it came to the other members, he didn’t hesitate to pull them in for a hug. He didn’t think twice about holding onto their side or sticking close. He would go right into their laps. He’d pull on their arms. He’d touch their hands, their thighs, knees, skin on skin contact. He’d openly flirt with anyone around as it is his charm. 

He never admitted it but it made him so jealous when the alpha could get close to Jinyoung but not him unless it’s behind closed doors. Where he even went along and teased that he helped Jinyoung with practice of the kissing scene but when he went to try and play around and pretend to kiss him, Jackson freaked out. 

Jackson says that he loves him. Tries to show it through matching jewelry from rings, necklaces, etc. Says the songs are for him but he had to put in certain words for good reason. You know, so no one would suspect the alpha was in love with a male omega. And though with good intention and so his songs would be accepted more, he made sure women were in the music videos. That the word, ‘girl’ or ‘baby girl’ or ‘her’ was in there. But he was perfectly able to make songs that didn’t have those words. He could’ve simply left it open but the fact that he made sure to add those because he was paranoid ruined the songs for Mark. 

Mark just wanted his love. He didn’t want his money or material things. He just wanted him. And after a while, the constant reassure was wearing thin on Jackson. Which led to their first fight. Of Jackson exploding of what more can he do for him to know he loves him? That he already made songs! He’s already bought him things! That he tries to keep their schedules lined up so they can meet one another. That he can’t possibly give him anymore of him. And Jackson is right, what more can the alpha give? 

A public announcement? To come out to his parents who think he’s only straight? To ruin his career and everything he’s worked hard for just for him? 

It made Mark feel like shit. He can’t ask that of Jackson. He can’t put him out of his comfort zone. He can’t ask him to risk everything just for him. To ruin everything just because he wants to tell everyone that they’re together. To be able to do couple things out and about or not have to hide his feelings when they leave the bedroom. Not have to switch from ‘bae’ to ‘bro’. Not having to listen to Jackson gets asked in interviews if he has a girlfriend or when he plans on dating and getting married.

They’ve been together for years but it took another fight and much convincing before Jackson would tell the band that they were together. They’re the only people that know and they kind of already suspected something was going on between them since they’ve been the closest to the two since trainee days. Plus when they were all living together, it was hard to hide the hickies and love marks first thing in the morning. Or the smell of their scents so intertwined. But now that they all live in separate places, it’s like the alpha kept getting farther and farther from him. From him being so busy that they barely had time to see each other, much less talk on the phone. Where even then, Mark couldn’t tell him he loved him because Jackson was in public. Where Mark couldn’t have intimate moments because Jackson was in a different time zone or constantly moving or not alone. 

It’s like fate couldn’t stand it either. Where it kept putting the two in situations that had Mark’s emotions building and building. Where Mark wasn’t able to get out the thoughts and feelings he needed to because when would be the time? When could he ask Jackson to just stop and give him five minutes? To drop everything and come see him or let him come to him? 

To say those words back to him in person again and not just through text. Through short worded replies…

What happened to their promise? To their future together that they had first started to work so hard for and now that they’re there...it’s like Mark is being left behind. And he tried really hard to hold it in. Knows his mental issues can make him unbearable at times but he truly tried. He tried so hard so he could remain by the alpha’s side. So he can receive his love and touch. But then missing him became too much. Being touch starved and craving his love ate away at him until it all came to an ugly head on a night that turned his whole world into a nightmare.

They were both tired. Both having done schedule after schedule, both traveling from country to country. Mark was wanting to tell Jackson to come with him to America. That he had some time off so just come with him. But Jackson said he can’t come without a reason. That the media would pick up on that and Mark exploded. Like why can’t he just be beside him? Why does he have to come up with a reason or excuse to be with him? He can go see Jinyoung at his drama just to see him and that’s fine. He can go to one of Bam’s fanmeets to support him and that’s fine. He can go by Jaebum’s house just to chill and that’s fine. Go to the studio with Yugyeom to come up with some dance moves and that’s fine. Can call up Youngjae out of the blue just to hear his laugh and that’s fine. But he can’t...he can’t be seen with him. Afraid others will know that he loves a male. That he’s going against society. Going against his parent’s values and upbringing. That being with him is a sin. Is wrong. Has no point. Rubbing more salt in his wounds as Mark already doesn’t love himself. He knows he’s a freak. Knows he can’t even have children even though that’s what an omega is for. He’s been bullied. He’s been beaten. His family life hasn’t been the best either. But he never thought that the love of his life wouldn’t want him either. 

So as he’s in the airport waiting for the plane to take him to America, Mark explodes. All those build up emotions and feelings from over the years all come out before he can stop and think. Before he can just bite his lip and just wait until he can attempt to see Jackson another time. Nope, it just all comes out at once,

“Then just forget about me! That’d make everything better right? If you had never met me then you would be happy, wouldn’t you? You’d be happy and I...I’ll be just fine.”

Mark is angry. Mark is upset. There’s tears in his eyes and his voice is becoming watery and he can’t have that now. Oh no, if people see him crying and upset over a phone call, the media is gonna have a field day and it’ll only make things worse for Jackson so Mark just hangs up the call. He turns off his phone and tries to quickly wipe at his eyes. He can hear his flight being called and he tries to use that to distract himself. 

Tries to focus on his schedules and dive into work after work to try and keep himself from feeling the hurt. From the pain that becomes so strong every time he lays in bed at night all alone. 

And what hurt the most was when he turned his phone back on, he never got a text or another call from Jackson. Not once since he’s been in America…

Mark’s not doing good. It’s like he’s been cut off from Jackson. Did the alpha take this as their break up? Was he finally fed up with him? He knows his anxiety isn’t helping as it keeps coming up with thought after thought and that’s why his gut is feeling like this. The sense of dread that comes right before a heartbreak. But Jackson wouldn’t do him like that right? If Jackson wanted to end it, he would do it properly. Even if it ended up being in a text message, he would let him know and not drag it out. It could just be that Jackson dug himself into work just like he did. It’s probably that Jackson is just as upset as he is and needed time to cool off and figure out what he wants to do because they both know something has to give. They can’t keep going like this as the arguments are becoming more and more. The distancing is becoming greater and greater but still...Mark doesn’t want Jackson to go. He wants to be closer. He wants to work on their relationship and somehow try to help or convince Jackson that it’ll be ok. That they can do this together. That they can tell others and face whatever may happen. Because he loves him. 

So he decides to reach out first and call him as he’s coming through the terminal since just now arriving back in Korea. But he finds the call goes straight to voicemail. Hmm, maybe he still has it off from his earlier schedule. Or could be his phone died. He knows how sometimes that alpha will forget to charge his phone. He decides to send a text just in case it’s just the alpha forgetting he put his phone on ‘do not disturb’ and that he’ll see his text and will reply as soon as he can.

‘Hey, are you busy? Can I come over tonight? You should be heading home soon, right? I really wanna see you. We can just hang out. We don’t have to talk tonight. Just...please let me know.’

Biting his lip nervously as the anxiety is already settling in, Mark distracts himself with finding his luggage and getting through the airport to the van parked outside. There’s fans about and cameras. People shouting his name while security helps him through so Mark almost doesn’t hear his phone ringing as he’s about to get into the car. He feels it vibrate in his pocket and pulls it out thinking it must be Jackson calling him. But he finds it’s Jinyoung instead. 

He’s a bit saddened but he’s still happy to hear from one of his band members so he answers as he hops inside the van. The door is shutting and the manager is talking to the driver when Mark can hear Jinyoung’s panicked voice rushing to speak into his ear,

“Mark...it’s Jackson...he...he’s been in a bad wreck…”

Just one sentence. It takes just one sentence to change everything. Just a few words to alter his life. It hits him hard, so hard that he blanks out. That it sounds like Jinyoung is in the distance now and underwater as it’s becoming hard to breathe. Hard to think. Hard to function. If he had been standing, he would’ve collapsed as his legs were like jelly. His nerves shot as his emotions were going haywire. What does he do? What does he feel? What?

“Mark! Mark, listen! It’s gonna be ok. We’re heading to the hospital now. My manager just told me and should’ve told yours. He’s gonna be ok. He’s gonna make it.”

Mark is nodding but he can’t find the words to speak. It’s like everything is turning upside down and he feels like he might throw up. His hand is subconsciously gripping the chair as a lifeline for something to keep him grounded. As he clings to the words Jinyoung is saying. 

‘He’s gonna make it...he’s gonna be fine...we’ll all be fine...I’ll be fine…’

“Mark!”

When Mark arrives, he finds Jaebum by his side in seconds. He feels the leader’s arms wrap around him and it’s like the dam bursts as he can’t hold back the whine coming out. As the tears are falling and Jaebum holds on tighter. Whispering into his ear that everything will be alright. That Jackson will pull through. 

It’s not long before the others are pulling him into their arms. Trying to reassure him. Knowing this was the hardest on him out of all of them since despite everything, Jackson truly did love Mark. And Mark loved him back. 

They helped him inside the hospital and to sit down as Youngjae explains that they tried to get information but they’re not being told anything. That only immediate family or spouse can go back there so they’re forced to wait outside. 

Mark’s world is blurring. Like he can hear the words, like he can register what’s being said but he can’t keep himself grounded. Where he keeps losing focus and time keeps skipping forward. Where he doesn’t even know how long he’s been sitting in these uncomfortable chairs for. Where the cold seeps in and has him shivering so hard but he can’t be bothered to do anything about it. Doesn’t even pick up on Yugyeom giving him his jacket. Doesn’t pick up on Jaebum pulling him into his lap to get him to stop shaking. From Bam trying to keep everyone’s spirits lifted. From Jinyoung getting them something to drink and some small food. It’s like everything is numb to Mark. Everything is just blank. Where he just wants to close his eyes and make it stop. To go back in time. Back to normal. 

He didn’t even realize he was crying. That he was sobbing into Youngjae’s shoulder. That he was clinging to Jaebum’s hand and wanting Jackson. It was like an out of body experience. A weird and messed up nightmare but he was tired...so mentally tired and exhausted after hours of being in the waiting room...just to be approached by the doctor that looked right at him like he knew something. Something that Mark wasn’t ready to face, much less hear.

“Mark Tuan, correct?” 

The others all jerk. Bam and Yugyeom wince as waking up made them realize how cramped and uncomfortable they were when they fell asleep in those chairs as the others looked so tired and drained from lack of sleep. And Mark, poor Mark, looked so broken as he tried to brace himself from the doctor coming to him specifically. 

Why him? He knows he isn’t on the emergency contact list. That would be Jackson’s parents. Did that mean Jackson was awake? Was Jackson wanting to see him maybe? Yes? 

‘Please don’t be bad news...please don’t be bad news...please-’

“Mr. Tuan I’m Dr. Helms. I’ve been the one looking after Mr. Wang since he’s arrival of the car crash.”

That’s right. Jackson got into a car wreck trying to head home from work. His manager and driver only had minor injuries as the majority of the damage was dealt to the back seat and on Jackson’s side. All because someone ran the red light. 

“Is he ok? Tell me he’s ok-” Mark is able to blurt out words as he can feel his nerves rising. 

The others try to help keep him calm as Mark looks ready to have another breakdown if the doctor doesn’t tell him what he needs to hear.

“He’s ok. He does have some injuries but after proper rest and care, he should be back in shape in no time...at least his body will.”

What? What does that mean? 

“His body? Are you implying something else is wrong?” Jinyoung voices as he’s not liking this beating around the bush going on.

The doctor’s expression goes to one of sympathy as he gestures for Mark to follow,

“Come with me, sir and I’ll explain.”

Mark is up and ready to follow as this means he can go see Jackson, but when the others try to follow he stops them.

“Just him at the moment please. Jackson is awake but we don’t want to overwhelm him. So wait until a nurse says it’s ok, alright?”

With that, Mark looks and sees the others wanting nothing more than to follow. To not only see Jackson but to be there for Mark as well. And you can tell it’s killing them to have to sit there and wait. But the doctor is moving and Mark can’t miss this chance to see his alpha. To finally see him face to face and confirm that he’ll be alright. 

“Now normally we don’t let friends see the patient first but in this circumstance it’s for clarification on something that will help determine how far of a state he’s in.”

Mark is confused as he tries to understand what the doctor is saying. He’s been leading him down the many hallways and toward the elevators when he tells him this. The sound of the doors closing is heard as Mark takes in the doctor hitting the floor to the ICU.

“Is it because he asked for me?” Mark manages to get out.

He’s trying to not let the word, ‘friend’ stab at him. Trying to hope that Jackson had been calling out for him. 

“It’s actually the opposite.” 

Oh..oh...Mark didn’t know the pain would come back and hit him tenfold. Maybe being numb was better. Maybe he shouldn’t--

The doors ding and open before the doctor is walking out and Mark’s legs follow instinctively. 

“You see, Mr. Wang suffered a big head injury. On impact of the car hitting on his side, he slammed his head against the door that didn’t just knock him out, it affected parts of his brain that can lead to many things. The main concern was bleeding and swelling that if severe enough or left long enough it can cause temporary or lasting damage. In Mr. Wang’s case, the hit to the head was trauma force enough to make him have what we call selective amnesia. That’s when only certain parts of the memory are gone.” 

“Gone?” 

Mark is lost and more confused now. Why is he telling him this? What does this even mean? Amnesia is when you don’t remember right? So why--

The doctor stops outside room seven and gives him an expression that Mark doesn’t want to see on others. Pity. Telling him he’s not gonna like this. Telling him he’s not gonna ever be ready for this but that it has to be done. But before he can ask more, the door is opening and he’s being ushered inside. The doctor standing behind him as Mark is forced to take in a big bright white room with a machine beeping and I.V.’s hooked up. There’s a nurse already in the room helping to adjust Jackson more comfortably. Propping him up better with pillows and Mark can’t help but take in the minor cuts and bruises first. To take in the ugly gown that made it more real that yes they’re in the hospital and that this sterile smell was not some fucked up nightmare. That the steady beating of the machine told him that Jackson was alive still and that should be relief. That should be a cry of joy but he finds his breath hitching instead as he looks up and catches Jackson’s face. Catches the alpha already looking at him with those soft brown eyes that he loves so much. But they’re not looking at him warmly. He’s looking at him all confused. Lost. Unknowing and it’s here that reality is crashing down. It’s here that Mark’s heart is breaking as his stomach drops and he dreads the words that are about to come out of the alpha’s mouth. 

“Hello? Do I know you?”

It’s ironic isn’t it? How words can bite you in the ass. How words can hold so much meaning. How they can build you up or destroy you in seconds. And as Mark stands there with the alpha looking at him as if he’s a stranger, the bile is rising as he’s reminded of the last thing he said to Jackson…

“You did,” Mark tells him as one tear slides down his cheek.


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh! Are you the one they keep telling me is Mark Tuan? They say you’re one of the team members in the band I’m in but...”

Jackson goes from excited, to trying to think harder before his expression turns into a pout all together as he can’t seem to recall anything,

“But for some reason I can’t remember. The good news is, that they showed me some photos and video of us together though so I know for sure it’s not a lie cause knowing my luck, I might’ve actually been in some government building hospital with them trying to get me into some freaky experiment thing or something--anyway, off topic here, but it should be fine right? The doc here says we just have to reintroduce ourselves and my memory will either come back or we’ll just make new memories! So hello! I’m Jackson Wang from China!” 

‘Hold it together. You can do it. Hold it together.’

Look, the alpha is trying to be nice. He just woke up from a bad wreck and is lucky to be alive. Say something, anything---

“I’m fine,” Mark manages to get out without stuttering.

Without it being watery or showing much emotion. How? He isn’t sure. Maybe it's because he doesn’t want to upset the alpha. Maybe it’s because he knows it’ll only make things worse. So it’s just better to lie in this situation to help ease everybody.

Besides, he can’t just tell Jackson, ‘Oh by the way, we’re actually lovers! Been lovers for years now but hey, you didn’t know you could be into men until you came to Korea and we met and well, fell in love…’

The doctor steps forward and puts his hands on Mark’s shoulders,

“He’s only allowed in here so we could see something but it’s clear that it didn’t trigger any memories for you. Which is fine. Your accident just took place not too long ago so just give it some time and try not to rush or stress over it. If it’s meant to come back, it will. Now, if you’ll excuse us, the nurse will finish helping you and then you need to be resting.”

Mark feels himself being moved gently back out the door before it closes shut behind them. The doctor keeps his hands clamped on Mark’s shoulders as he can feel them trembling slightly. Mark keeps his head down low as he tries to not show anyone what he’s feeling. That he’s hurting and barely able to keep standing. 

“I know this is a lot to take in but you should think positively about this. He’s alive. He’s got nothing else wrong with him. I’m not saying the memories you two had weren't important or special but you guys are in a band, you can make more and I’m sure your friendship will be restored before you know it.”

What about the feelings though? The thoughts? Emotions? Will he get those back too? Will he love him again? 

When Mark doesn’t say anything, the doctor sighs as he’s no stranger to dealing with situations like this but it never gets any easier.

“Amnesia has many types and can range from mild to severe but really only time can tell. With him being able to remember everything but you, it means his brain is healing. Now what I’m about to tell you might be taken the wrong way but it’s so you’ll have more of an understanding and that this may not simply get better over night. But if someone has a lot of emotional trauma before going through something else traumatic, the brain does this wonderful thing of ‘blocking’ or ‘blanking’ it out. You often see it in children who won’t even remember a traumatic event but will get triggered by objects or look a like people without realizing. In Mr. Wang’s case, he had something strongly and emotionally about you that was causing great stress. Maybe you two got into a big argument beforehand or something, but due to whatever it is, the brain is trying to block it out so it can fully heal first before bringing back those memories. So maybe some time apart will do you both good, hmm? And then slowly come back together. He does need to rest though so try not to do anything to cause him stress or it could worsen his condition. May you both be able to reconcile on whatever it was before this.”

The doctor excuses himself like he didn’t just dig straight into Mark’s breaking heart and tearing him apart faster. Like he knew the sound of the elevator doors dinging open would cover the whimper trying to escape. Like Mark would just be able to see himself out. 

Mark can’t even walk as his body shakes and his legs are giving out. He slides down the hallway wall in a squat as he covers his face in his hands. The tears are falling. His lip is bleeding from trying to hold back the sobs. His mind races as those words run over and over. 

It was him. This was his fault. 

Not the wreck but it might’ve well been. Because the only reason Jackson has amnesia is due to him. That he’s the only one forgotten because he causes Jackson great distress. Proving he was the problem. That instead of making the alpha happy, he was bringing him down. Taking him apart. Hurting him.

He can’t handle this. He needs to leave before the alpha’s parents get here. Before the media tries to flag him down. Before the others figure out what’s going on. 

He pushes himself, sucking in air as his breathing shakes heavily coming out his nose. The tears blur his vision and are hot, but Mark just wets his sleeve and keeps going. Taking the stairs, he clings to the railing as he goes down. Things are blurring and it’s almost like he’s floating.

‘I’m doing fine’

Just keep going. Keep your head up. Block your emotions. You’ve learned it from over the years. Don’t let the public see you like this. Wait till your behind closed doors. 

‘I’m fine’

Fake a look. Put on a mask. Something-

‘Fine...I’m fine’

“Mark?”

A hand comes to touch him and he jerks away, head snapping up as he realizes he’s no longer going down the stairs. In fact, he doesn’t know when he went out the door and down the hallway. Doesn’t know how he made it to the entrance but now Jaebum stands in front of him. He’s out of breath like he ran and is stopping him from trying to leave. 

“Jae…” his throat tries to constrict so he stops. 

He can’t break down. Hold it together.

‘You’re fine. You’re fine, fine, fine-’

“Mark, wait, where are you going? Why are you trying to leave?” 

Jaebum blocks his exit as he gently grabs his arm. The alpha is looking at him and trying to understand. Searching for answers that Mark doesn’t want to give. Doesn’t want to expose more of his vulnerable side so he shuts down. Trying to back away when the doors open and two parents are rushing in,

“Jaebeom! My son! Where is my son?!” 

It’s Jackson’s parents and they’re frantic as they’ve just come from the airport to the hospital after hearing about the news many hours ago. Jaebum is so distracted by them that Mark uses this chance to sneak out. He doesn’t look back as he just takes off running. Right into the early morning air that was cold against his skin. It made it hard to breathe but it didn’t stop him. He kept running, running until he couldn’t anymore. His legs screaming but not as loud as he was as he passed through an abandoned lot. The pain in his hands didn’t hurt as bad as the bleeding of his heart. The blood stains covering his knuckles as he punched the already fallen apart building. The brick wall standing there like the invisible force now created between him and Jackson.

“It’s like talking to a brick wall sometimes!” Jackson’s frustrated voice fills his head.

“Like no matter what I say or try to do, it doesn’t get through to you. Are you even listening right now? I love you, Mark. I love you so damn much that it drives me crazy! How much more can I give cause I can’t! There is no more of me to give!”

Mark screams till his lungs burn. Until his throat scratches and no more sound will come out. Until the sobs are silenced and the tears are the only things falling with the blood droplets. As his expression falls apart like his insides and he slides down the wall with his head hanging in defeat. His shaky hand coming to touch his face to try and ground himself. To regain control but nothing would make it stop. Would make it go away. His lifeline was gone. His lover doesn’t remember him. The alpha he loves just sees him as a stranger. The doctor says everything should be fine but he doesn’t know. Doesn’t know about them being together. Doesn’t know how hard it was for Mark to make a move. How scared he was that Jackson would hit him. Or would hate him or get him sent back to America. He doesn’t know about their first kiss in the tiny home of seven teenage boys. He doesn’t know about their first time in a bathroom stall. Doesn’t know about the sweet nothings they’ve whispered to each other under the stars. How they used their native tongue to tie them closer. No one knows how hard it was to convince Jackson to give it a shot. To try. To not care about what others thought. That he loved him. He loves him. God, he loves him so much. 

“Jacks…” Mark calls out before a hiccup surfaces. 

Before more tears are coming and the pain won’t stop. He wants it to stop. Please make it stop…

Mark’s phone is going off again as he’s still there in his position from earlier. One leg is bent and the other is stretched out. He’s zoning in and out as he can’t get a grip on reality. He needs his alpha but he can’t have him. He needs his touch but he can’t do that. He can’t just pick up the phone and call him either just to hear his voice talk him down. 

He can feel it. It’s happening again. His nerves are so bad. His thoughts keep trying to race. He needs something...anything…

‘Don’t go back to the past...you’ve gotten better...you’ve done so well...don’t go back...don’t relapse...you’re fine...you’re fine…you’ve done this once before...you can do it again…’

I’m fine

I’m doing fine

I’m fine

The call goes to voicemail with a ding and soon more text messages are coming through but Mark can’t look. He can’t bear to see what they have to say knowing the truth now. He doesn’t want to face reality. He doesn’t want to deal with this nightmare. He wants to go back. Back to when they were young and limbs were tangled. Back when kisses were pressed into his skin and nose brushing along his face as Jackson made him giggle. 

He wants his alpha. He wants his lover. He wants Jackson.

The phone rings again but this time it sounds louder than before and getting closer. 

Hmm?

“Mark!”

Mark can’t help but let out a pathetic smile for of course it would be Jaebum again. He’s the leader of the pack. Always making sure we’re well taken care of. Always looking out for us. And here he was coming to retrieve him. Going down on his knees as he’s out of breath once more and hands are touching his face. Are they warm? Or is he cold? 

“Fuck, Mark, look at me…”

Jaebum sounds so worried and heartbroken at the sight of him. He knows it isn’t pretty. Relapsing is a bitch. Mental illness is ugly and mean. And this has been the biggest breakdown he’s had in years. 

“Your hands,” Jaebum starts as he sees the drying blood and split knuckles.

As the bruises are already forming but Mark tries to take his hands away. He doesn’t want pity. He doesn’t want to be looked down on. He doesn’t want to make it worse. But Jaebum holds on gently. Trying to encourage Mark to lean on him as he continues to speak,

“We’ve been looking for you since you left, since…”

Jaebum’s expression shows it all. That he knows. That Jackson doesn’t remember him. But the alpha tries to not talk about it as he busies himself with picking up his phone to call the others.

“No, don’t,” Mark finally reacts as he goes to snatch the phone from his hand.

“Mark, it’s ok. I’m just telling the others where we are. We’ve been worried sick about you-”

“They can’t know. Please, I’m fine. I swear I’m fine. Bummie-”

Mark looks like he’s gonna break all over again. Scared of the others finding out that he has issues. Scared they’re gonna think differently about him. Turn him away. Get mad at him. 

“Shh, hey, Mark, it’s ok. Hey…”

Jaebum feels for the omega as he takes in his expression before the whimper that comes out next. Jaebum doesn’t hesitate to pull Mark forward and into his arms to hold him and the omega clings. 

“I won’t tell them but I have to let them know I found you. I’ll tell them I took you back home which I am gonna do and we can go from there, ok?” 

Mark nods as he buries his face against Jaebum’s shoulder. Mark can hear Jaebum moving about and the sound of the keys clicking on the phone before he’s locking it and sliding the phone into his pocket. Mark then feels himself being picked up but doesn’t fight him. He has no energy left and allows himself to be carried to who knows where.

He finds his eyes closing as the pain and tiredness of his body is catching up and numbing everything else. 

“Aren’t you worried about being caught carrying a male?” Mark asks.

It’s random and he knows the chances of people thinking it’s him are slim since both have their faces covered and are wearing hoodies but they can still draw attention.

“Why would I be worried about that? Have you not known me these past years? I don’t care about the standard image of society. What people think should be set in stone. I grew my hair out multiple times to prove that, no?” 

Mark doesn’t comment anymore and it has Jaebum frowning. Why was Mark so concerned about that? Did this have to do with Jackson? He ends up getting lost in thought as he carries Mark back to his home. All until he hears a tiny broken,

“Thank you.”

It pulls at Jaebum’s heartstrings…

“Yeah, no, he’s asleep. He finally passed out by the time I got him home.”

Jaebum is speaking into the phone quietly as he peeks in Mark’s room to make sure the omega is still sleeping. When Mark passed out, the alpha easily carried the omega inside and helped to bandage his wounds. Even taking the time to try and get him more comfortable by taking his socks and shoes off before tucking him under the covers. He knows things aren’t this simple. That this isn’t some easy fix. Unless Jackson decides to wake up tomorrow and suddenly remember then this could go on for quite a while. Days. Weeks. Months. The doctor told them a year is possible but once the year mark is up, then it was highly unlikely that he’ll ever remember. 

Jaebum feels his heart clench in pain at Mark suffering for so long. Those two used to be so close. Two peas in a pod and though recently they had grown apart, he never thought they’d ever separate. Especially not like this. 

What can he do? What should he do? As leader...as a friend...as someone close to them...what was the right thing to do? He knows he should tell the others about Mark’s breakdown but he feels it would make things worse. That Mark might shut him out and the others completely and he doesn’t want that. 

“He cried himself to sleep didn’t he?” Jinyoung’s voice is heard on the other end of the line.

Jaebum’s expression saddens, “He did. It was a lot to take in today and very tolling on everyone. God knows how many times I teared up.”

“I feel really bad for hyung but I...I’m glad that Jackson is still here with us. I wish there was something we could do but the hospital only wants the parents around him so he’s not overloaded.”

That’s right. The doctor wants to keep Jackson a few days just to make sure nothing goes wrong. And even after he’s discharged he needs to go home to recover for a few weeks. But Mark…

What’s gonna happen between them during that time? Will they be able to get close again? Or will they only get further apart?


	3. Chapter 3

“Mark, you need to eat.”

Mark tries to bury himself further under the blankets as he rolls over to face away from the alpha. 

“I’ll eat later.”

Jaebum huffs lightly as he stares at the omega’s back while he’s all curled up into a ball.

“You said that earlier.”

Mark pouts as he doesn’t have the energy for this. He barely got sleep and he wants to just close his eyes but every time he does, he sees Jackson. And here Jaebum is trying to be such a sweet alpha by bringing him breakfast. Just like Jackson used to do, especially on his bad days...but Jackson would give up after a while and just leave him alone so it doesn’t end up in them arguing. Jaebum on the other hand, would not stop.

“Jaebum-” Mark lets out as he doesn’t have a reason to give him.

He’s not hungry nor does he want company right now and he’s trying so hard not to snap on anyone. 

The bed dips and soon Jaebum is climbing over the side of the bed to come sit next to Mark. He makes himself comfortable and soon Mark finds a hand sliding through his hair. The second he’s touched, it makes the omega let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and a whine all at the same time. 

A light chuckle is heard as Jaebum feels Mark leaning into his hand for him to continue,

“You’ve been craving this, haven’t you?” 

It’s a known fact of how omegas love touch and affection. How it can not only boost their energy and make them feel better, but it’s good for everyday health. And Mark has been touched starved for so long. Needing his alpha badly but they’ve both been busy and Jackson growing distant that Mark can’t remember the last time Jackson’s done something like this.

The small purr that comes forth lets Jaebum know that he has and the alpha’s expression softens,

“I bet when you get like this, you really don’t mean to push him away but want him to do what I’m doing, right?”

How does Jaebum seem to know him? I mean, yeah they’ve known each other for years and have lived around the other and even spent basically twenty four seven together since trainee days but it’s like Jaebum knows him without him ever telling him. And he’s been trying hard to hide his mental illnesses and not letting them ruin his life. But there are sometimes that it comes out no matter how in control he thinks he is and the others found it scary as they’ve only seen the sudden angry outbursts he’s had. Even Jackson will cower away from him and it’ll make him feel worse. 

But not Jaebum. The alpha will help calm the situation and will physically remove Mark from the room if need be to cool off. 

“You’re a weird alpha,” Mark tells him as he looks up at him from his pillow. 

“Hmm? I’m weird?” Jaebum raises an eyebrow in amusement.

“Yeah. Like that day we met and got into that argument but then you cried when you saw me crying...you’re weird.”

Jaebum’s fingers still for just a moment as the alpha laughs a bit,

“My mom always said I was a big softie despite my hard exterior. So maybe I am weird but it’s me and I don’t want to change that.” 

“Do you think I need to change?” 

Jaebum looks away from the ceiling as he had been thinking back to those memories and back to Mark who is messing with a piece of string from the blanket.

“To change who you are? No. Unless you want to change because it’ll better you for either health reasons or your happiness, you don’t need to change for no one.”

It goes quiet for a moment or two and that’s fine. Jaebum is in no rush. They canceled schedules for the week so they could all try to rest and recover. And even if not, Jaebum would’ve made time for Mark because he knows he needs someone. Because Jaebum cares about Mark a lot. More than the omega might not realize. 

“My parents tried to change me. Told me I was too sensitive. Too spoiled. Needed to try harder. Do better. That I didn’t have friends, people just pitied me. That my dreams would amount to nothing and needed to face reality. It was like once I started showing who I was, everything changed. They didn’t like my thoughts or opinions being voiced. They didn’t like the choices I made or a mistake on a test even though I still got an A. And I tried, I tried really hard to make them proud. To not make them upset but I failed each time. I just caused more problems for them. When all I wanted was their love. A hug. An, ‘I love you’. Like they used to give when I was little. So I thought I had to change myself so they would love me again...and...and...it worked. Shutting off parts of me had them talking to me again. Paying attention to me. I never did get hugs or verbal love but I felt like their son again. So I...um...I’ve been thinking...I should do that for Jackson...I’ve been showing too much of myself so when I can see him again, this will be a fresh start for us and I can be the one for him.”

Instantly Jaebum’s heart clenched tightly. The alpha never knew about Mark’s home life as the omega was shy and quiet and kept to himself. Even when he would give little bits about it, he never would go past the surface. Just that yeah, he has siblings and parents and where he lived. Just basic information that anyone could google to find. But hearing just a part of it now, it hurt Jaebum to know Mark went through something like that. To know that parents who are supposed to love their child for who they are, made him feel bad about himself and tried to change him. That Mark thought he had to hide and change parts of himself to fit in or be accepted. And now that he has that ingrained in his brain, he thinks he needs to do that to have Jackson love him again. 

Were they having issues before? The two never would talk much about their relationship. Other than the time they came out to them, that was it. They never came to talk if they had any fights or advice about anything. Jaebum admits he used to see them being lovey dovey all the time in the very beginning, until they all moved out. The alpha assumed Mark and Jackson would get a place together but on the contrary, they didn’t but Jaebum never pushed to ask why. It wasn’t his business how their relationship should be and the two weren't letting it intervene with their jobs or Got7 so he just let things be. But now, Jaebum wishes he would’ve asked earlier. For over the years what he might’ve thought was the two going strong was actually something that might’ve been spiraling apart slowly over time. For yeah, couples go through things but they should be getting closer, not further apart and Jaebum and the others weren't blind to notice the two spending less and less time together. With Jackson going off to China more and more and leaving Mark behind in Korea until Mark finally picked up more schedules and would go to America and China himself. 

What was really happening behind closed doors? Especially to the point that Mark thinks he has to change to get Jackson to love him again? Even with Jackson’s amnesia, Jackson would fall in love with Mark again. Who wouldn’t? 

Though the doctor did say that Jackson was most likely experiencing emotional trauma that when he got the head injury it made him subconsciously block out his memories of Mark so he can fully heal. 

But does that mean he loved Mark so much that it was literally tearing him apart or…

“Mark-” Jaebum calls out as he wants to tell him that he doesn’t have to change.

But when he pulls himself out of his thoughts, he finds Mark has fallen back asleep from running fingers through his hair. And what pulls at his heartstrings more, is the fact that Mark has a hand latched onto his sleeve as if he’s afraid Jaebum will be gone too when he wakes up again.

Jaebum doesn’t hesitate to pull Mark closer as he curls around him protectively as if he can free the omega from his demons. Or at least hope he can help Mark sleep and fight off the bad dreams…

“I can do this myself, Bummie.”

The alpha is currently taking off his bandages so he can check how the omega’s knuckles are healing. 

“Just like how I can do it too. Or do I need to hand feed you breakfast while you do this?” 

Mark lets out a whine from his spot sitting down before he’s eyeing the plate of food still untouched since Jaebum heated it back up.

“Why can’t I eat it later?” 

“Cause later would be never for you and I know you’re not hungry but your body still needs nutrients to function properly.”

The alpha is stern even though the way he’s holding Mark’s one hand as he carefully checks over his bruised hand tells otherwise. 

“You sound like a dad,” Mark can’t help but crack a smile at that. 

Given, Jaebum had to be a leader to a bunch of teenagers while being a teenager himself shows how much the alpha has matured. And the face he shows Mark at being called a dad has the omega letting out a giggle, which shocks them both. 

Mark laughed. It’s only been two days but it felt like forever ago since Jaebum heard it. And to Mark, he feels like he shouldn’t be allowed this. It makes him feel guilt right away as his giggle cuts right off and he tries to shy away.

“Hey, no, no, Mark look at me. You can laugh-” Jaebum tries to encourage him as he cups his face.

Mark shakes his head while squeezing his eyes shut, “No, I shouldn’t...Jackson was in an accident...I shouldn’t-”

“Shh, it’s ok. Jackson would want you to laugh. He’d want you to eat and be healthy and have moments of happiness. It would sadden him more for you to punish yourself over that.”

Mark’s hands are shaking, his nerves rising along with his breathing. His one hand with the bandages off looks bad with all the dark bruises and swelling. The cuts still an angry red while his other hand hides the same thing under new bandages. 

“But I...this is my fault…”

Jaebum tries to help Mark calm down but his emotions are rising too fast for him to be able to grasp the alpha’s words,

“The accident wasn’t your fault, Mark-”

Mark shoots up from his seat and almost falls down as he stumbles around the chair. Jaebum watches as Mark is looking frantically for something. 

“I can’t find it, he hid them...he took them...he fucking took them…” Mark whines as he looks under the mattress to find nothing.

He goes down to his knees to look underneath the bed before pulling out boxes that he rumanages through and finds what he’s looking for. A box of cigarettes and a lighter. He can barely get the box open as he’s shaking so bad but before he can get the lighter to set fire to one, Jaebum is taking it from him. 

“Give it back!” Mark shouts as he reaches for them but the alpha refuses.

“Smoking is a bad habit to pick up.”

“But I need it! I need something! I can’t...I can’t...Jaebum!” 

Jaebum goes to flush the cigarettes down the toilet and the two start to struggle. Jaebum easily overpowers him though and manhandles him up and onto the bed before the sound of the toilet is heard as Mark makes it to the bathroom. Watching as Jaebum dumps them and down the drain they go.

“Why would you do that?! Why?! Get out! Get out of my face! Now!” 

But Jaebum doesn’t listen and pockets the lighter before trying to pull Mark into his arms. Mark fights, trying to push the alpha away as the omega screams at him. But Jaebum doesn’t let go and soon is able to wrap Mark up into his arms where the omega breaks down in violent sobs.

“I need it! I need it! I need…”

The alpha holds Mark close, a hand on the back of the omega’s nape with fingers brushing into his hair as he leans in to whisper to him,

“Then need me. If you need something, I’m here. Whatever it is, I’ll be what you need.”

Mark’s still shaking in his arms. Hands latching on tightly that nails are digging in but Jaebum doesn’t mind. Especially when the shouting turns into hiccups. Where he slowly comes down after a while and the shaking stops. But those hands still cling on desperately. 

Oh so desperately…

“How’s he doing?” 

Jaebum went out to grab some things for the home like more bandages and food so the omega wouldn’t have to worry about going out right now. He’s currently doing his shopping while Mark is asleep and his belly full. 

“He’s trying to hang in there,” Jaebum tells Youngjae who met him up here.

Youngjae smiles sadly as his usual sunshine didn’t reach his eyes,

“This must be so hard on him. I couldn’t imagine having my lover forget…”

Youngjae trails off as just the mere thought makes his heart clench.

“But this is Jackson though. Once he gets around Mark, he’ll fall head over heels for him again.” 

The way Jaebum says it has Youngjae looking at him confused. Like is Jaebum trying to convince himself or?

“I agree. He’ll be discharged from the hospital today from what Jinyoung told me. His parents are gonna stay with him as he continues to recover at home. I asked if we could come over but they don’t want us too just yet so we don’t overwhelm him.” 

Jaebum doesn’t blame the parents being overprotective over their son right now. 

“But Yugyeom asked and said by the end of next week we should be able to.”

The two walk along the aisles as silence falls a bit around them. Both are lost in thought and trying to still let it sink in of everything that has happened. It almost feels surreal as it all happened so fast.

It’s not until they’re heading to self checkout and the alpha sees the cigarettes that he speaks,

“Do you know...if the two were having any issues lately?”

Youngjae looks at him in confusion,

“Of them two? No. Those two have always kept their relationship pretty private so I never pried. But I won’t lie, I haven’t seen the two around each other much lately. It could be possible they had an argument recently or something. Jinyoung would probably know more than me though.”

Did Youngjae never notice the things he did? How Mark would be giving Jackson looks? How he looked like he was yearning to be closer. To touch and be touched back. How he would get jealous when a woman would get too close and try and touch him. When Jackson would touch all over the band members but subtly with him. How sad Mark would get when he would want to comfort Jackson but can’t. How Jackson would brush him off in public. 

Was he the only one noticing because he’s always looking Mark’s way? 

And since Mark told him yesterday...it’s like it’s becoming more and more clear. 

“I’m fine, Jaebum. Look, my hands are practically healed too.”

Jaebum knows it's a lie. Knows Mark is just trying to convince himself. Knows a switch had been flipped that day when he tried to smoke. How Mark tried to be ‘normal’. Tried to pretend everything was fine. Cause he didn’t want to cause problems. He didn’t want to worry others. He was pushing himself, faking a smile while he says,

“You can go back home, Jaebum. Your cats must be going nuts by now. I don’t need a babysitter. I’m an adult, I can handle myself just fine. It’s only a few more days until we can see Jackson anyway.” 

Mark’s hand twitches at saying the alpha’s name. Jaebum knows better. Knows Mark is hurting much more than just from the accident happening. This was years worth built up inside of him. Hell, since being in Mark’s home for a few days, he hasn’t one seen an article of clothing of Jackson’s. Not a frame of a photo up in the house unless it was of all of them or some of the members huddled together. If one were to come inside, they never would’ve guessed that Jackson and Mark were dating for years. You would’ve been better off thinking they were as the alpha’s clothes are mixed in with Mark’s laundry. Their scents fill up the rooms and some of the alpha’s things are thrown about like his toothbrush next to the omega’s. Hell, there wasn’t even a spare toothbrush for Jackson to use. Like did he never stay over anymore? Did he bring his own or something? In fact, when he went over to Jackson’s the last time, were any of Mark’s things there? 

But it doesn’t make any sense cause there’s things of the band members here at Mark’s like there were at Jackson’s. 

“Has he tried texting you or anything?” Jaebum asks. 

He knows Mark will be on his phone a lot as the omega has to be constantly doing something due to his anxiety and nerves.

“No. I thought about texting him a few times but I didn’t want to rush anything. The doctor said not to.” 

Mark’s gripping onto his clothing, nails digging into his own skin to try and calm his nerves that are steadily rising. 

“You know, my cats are fine. Bam’s been taking good care of them so you don’t need to worry. I can stay a few more days, I don’t mind-”

“Well I mind. I’m not a good house guest. I’m too quiet and space out and I know it’s boring and annoying for you. And you’ve been paying for everything and it bothers me and-”

Jaebum holds up a finger lightly to Mark’s lips to silence the omega’s racing thoughts,

“I like a quiet environment just as much as a chaotic one. It’s been quite chaotic lately from our schedules and such so this is doing me good. And did you forget that I’m boring too? So we can be boring and weird together.”

Mark feels a small warmth from hearing that. Where Jaebum doesn’t deny his thoughts and feelings and instead tries to welcome them into something positive. Tries to understand him and get closer. 

It was different with Jackson. He’d push him away and Jackson would go. He’d do his own thing and wait it out. When Mark would say things like this, Jackson would roll his eyes or huff before calling him a dummy and leave him alone. Like it wasn’t worth it. Wasn’t worth the fight or frustration. The headache. Didn’t mean Jackson didn’t love him. Everyone handles things differently. No one is obligated to try and ‘fix’ other people’s problems or stick around during breakdowns. But it really helped when Jaebum made an effort to stay. Letting Mark know he wants to remain by his side regardless of what kind of day it might lead to. And he’s not trying to fix Mark either. Not suggesting he needs to cram meds down his throat or be taken to therapy straight away. And he doesn’t say those words that his parents loved to say,

“You’re just looking for attention. Depression isn’t real. None of this is real. It’s all an act. Grow up!”

Or 

“I can’t handle you anymore! I can’t take it! At this rate, I’m gonna have to disown you just so I can have some peace!” 

And he doesn’t even want to get into the ride to a mental institute that took three hours to get there just for them to turn them down because they don’t treat Mark’s illnesses. Boy, were his parents mad that day too. Pissed that they couldn’t just drop him off to become someone else’s problem.

Given, Jaebum hasn’t even seen the worst of him yet. But it felt nice for once. It really did.

“Do you...do you want to go for a walk with me?” Mark asks shyly.

Afraid Jaebum will say no. That he’s too busy or can’t be seen around him. Can’t be bothered. But the alpha just smiles before taking his hand and squeezing it,

“I’d love to go on a walk with you. Should we walk to the park? Or just down the block? We can even stop and get some take out if you’d like.”

And Mark smiles back. It’s not a big one, but it shows that Mark is still in there. That Mark is really trying to hold on to himself. That he may be broken, but he’s still him…

And maybe Jaebum should’ve paid attention when he had gotten several texts trying to warn him. Maybe they shouldn’t have walked down to the restaurant that was also Jackson’s favorite stop for take out as well. Maybe then things could’ve been avoided but no one imagined it would go this way. No one imagined Mark walking in with Jaebum and finding Jackson there with his family. Or a woman there next to him that Mark's seen around him many times before…


	4. Chapter 4

Jackson’s smiling, laughing even. It’s been a long time since Mark’s seen him make an expression like that. And it’s not towards him. Not because of him. But because of her. 

His hands are animated and though he’s got some scrapes and cuts, he still looks so handsome. He seems like he’s in his element; all relaxed and isn’t afraid to reach out to touch brush her arm when he laughs harder. Or flinch back when she touches his shoulder. He actually leans into her touch and they’re both smiling, seeming happy like nothing’s wrong. Enjoying the food that used to be his and Jackson’s favorite meal. Used to be their little date night.

Watching them, he can see past memories of them together. Where he would sit next to Jackson in this exact corner. Where they’d eat off each other’s plates and giggle and smile about random things. Talking about their dreams. About their next project. Their future. 

Their future that seems to be leaving him behind.

“It’s good to hear you laughing again, son. I was so worried when the hospital had called us,” Jackson’s mother expresses.

His father nods in agreement as he’s still chewing up the bite of food he had in his mouth. Jackson’s expression softens like it always would for his parents. 

“I’m sorry for scaring you guys. It all happened so fast that when I woke up, I didn’t even realize I was in a car accident. But look, other than some scrapes and bruises, I’m fine!”

Jackson even shows off the bandages on his arms that are covering up bruises and such to show his parents that he’s fine.

“I had some memory loss but nothing too drastic and I’m still me. I’m still your son. I’m still Jackson Wang. Though I am a little sad that my phone got destroyed, but someone says they might be able to get the files off of it so I might be able to get those photos and such that I saved on there. I hope so, cause there were some really good ones on there that I never shared with anyone.”

Yeah, like the ones of them together. Ones Mark had wanted to post but Jackson said memories were best made for those involved and not for everyone to see. And now look, Jackson doesn’t even remember it. Doesn’t even know that they’re together and yet here he is, being all cozy with her---

“Ah Sandra, it’s so nice of you to come check up on our son. I’ve seen you two in many posts together from time to time. I don’t know why he hasn’t made any moves on you yet, just look how beautiful you are!”

Sandra blushes under her praise as she tries to wave it off, “Oh no, Mrs. Wang. Jaier and I have been friends for so long now. I really only came to make sure he’s ok. When I heard of the accident on the news, I had to come check on him myself. He’s always taken care of me and being so kind to me back. Even coming to my shows to help hype me up and encourage me. The least I could do is return the favor,” she says while looking at Jackson shyly.

Jackson takes her hand and squeezes it affectionately,

“Thank you. It really means a lot to me.”

“Mm-hmm, if I didn’t know any better, I feel some chemistry going on here,” Jackson’s mother teases lightly.

“Sophia, now, let’s not start something here-”

“Oh come on! Our son is at the right age to finally find someone and settle down with.”

“You just want more grandchildren.”

“Well I won’t lie about that, but I also want my son happy! And he’s been working so hard and been single for so long that he deserves all the love in the world, especially right now. As he needs someone by his side to nurse him back to health.”

“Mom, didn’t I just say I was completely fine? I can walk, talk, eat, function just fine on my own-”

“Sandra, please do consider accompanying us again tonight. I’m sure Jiaer would love it.”

“Mom!” Jackson blushes out of embarrassment of his mother trying to hook him up.

His mother laughs in amusement, “This is obviously your chance, boy! Or are you telling me you have someone you’re already in love with and just haven’t told me?” 

Jackson doesn’t even hesitate. Why would he? He doesn’t remember. So he doesn’t know. Doesn’t know how his words destroy him,

“No, I don’t have anyone special like that in my life.”

Is it possible for a heart to bleed on the inside without physical wounds? Cause that’s what it feels like as those words stab into him and carve themselves deep. Piece by piece, tear by tear as if Jackson was physically doing it himself. 

His hands are starting to shake again. His nerves rising and threatening to come out in bile. Tears already blurring his vision as he wants this to stop and yet he can’t bring himself to move. Like he’s frozen in place and can’t believe this is real. Like he’s hoping Jackson will react differently. Would say something else. Would fix all of this and make the pain go away. 

But it only keeps getting worse.

“Mark, let’s go,” Jaebum gently urges as he tries again to try and get Mark to move.

He didn’t want Mark to go through this. To see this, but Mark had shut down and wasn’t budging. Torturing himself with the scene unfolding before them. But when Jaebum is about to just physically lift Mark out of the restaurant, they’re noticed by Jackson,

“Oh! Jaebum is that you?! And um...um...hold on, it’ll come to me...ah yes, Markie right?” 

Mark has to bite by the whimper as of course Jackson would use one of his nicknames when he’s trying to be cute. And here he looks like an excited puppy from seeing one of his band members, well two, but he doesn’t remember anything about Mark.

Jaebum tenses, cursing under his breath as he wanted to avoid this but now he can’t be rude and ignore Jackson. It’s not Jackson’s fault this is happening and that the wreck made him lose his memory but boy does Jaebum wish Jackson would just know and let them go. But of course, Jackson, being Jackson, he gets up and goes to them before the two can do anything.

“Bro! I missed you!” Jackson voices as he hugs Jaebum.

Mark moves off to the side trying hard to not let it show. 

‘You’re fine. You can do this. Don’t make a scene. Smile...smile…’

“I know the hospital said not to overwhelm me but please don’t be a stranger. I’m really fine and will be back to do our thing once the two weeks are up. Silly doctor’s orders. So in the meantime I was taking my parents out and showing them about. Still, you guys should all come over sometime. Even you, Markiepooh,” 

Jackson directs his attention to Mark as he pulls back and looks right at him,

“I may not remember you for some reason but you’re part of the band! My parents have told me some things about you too. Like how we used to be really close in the beginning,” 

He emphasizes by crossing his fingers.

“You two used to share a room at the start and bonded because you were both foreigners,” his mother states as she gets up to pull both Jaebum and Mark into a hug.

“You two even had the name, ‘Markson’ going for a long time,” Jackson’s father adds.

Sophia makes sure to hug Mark extra long in a big warm hug before gently patting his cheek and smiling at him,

“Don’t worry. You two will be back to being friends in no time my dear.”

Mark ‘smiles’ back. He’s perfected it really. Over the years when anything is bothering him, he’ll act fine. He’ll smile and say something so no one will push. No one will pry. Everyone will think it’s ok. No one will know how the word, ‘friends’ hurt. No one will see the tears he’s holding back. The shouts he’s swallowing down. What happens when he’s alone at night on bad days. 

“Yeah,” Mark manages to get out and the others don’t take the tone of crack in his voice of Mark’s heart breaking.

They just feel for him because they know Jackson doesn’t remember him. That it still is a lot to have been with someone and so close for many years and then suddenly they don’t remember. It would be hard on anyone, whether a family member, son, daughter, friend or coworker. But they don’t know he’s supposed to be Jackson’s lover.

And Mark could voice it. Could tell them all right now but what good would it do? Ruin Jackson’s relationship with his parents? Have someone hear it and leak it out to the news? Would Jackson even believe it? Would it hurt more if Jackson laughed thinking it was a joke or denying it would’ve never been possible? 

Cause the Jackson now didn’t react like the Jackson from before. Back when they first met and Jackson couldn’t stop staring at him. Commenting on how pretty he was. How he didn’t understand why his heart was beating like this when Mark was a male. How Jackson kept giving him this dazed smile like Mark was some angel or prince of beauty. Like he hung the moon or something. How he kept sticking close and touching and being clingy as he wanted to know everything about Mark that he could. 

But this Jackson was all grown up. More mature and taking this on a more professional route. Where he’s nice and friendly. Wanting to be on good terms since Mark is a member of the band. Showing interest because he should, not because he wants to. 

“Did you to come to get food? Did you want to come join us?” 

Jackson urges them to come sit with them but Jaebum is quick to decline softly,

“Oh no, I’m sorry. We did come to get food but we were taking it to go as something came up.”

“Aw man, that’s a bummer!” Jackson pouts as he wraps an arm around both their shoulders,

“Well then next time. We can invite the others too!” 

Jaebum nods in agreement before Jackson pats his back and then surprises Mark once more by squeezing his own shoulder,

“Hope to see you again, bro!” 

He throws in that one hundred watt smile and a wink before he’s sitting back down with his parents. Sandra gives a small wave to Mark as she’s seen him just as much as Jackson and Mark bows politely before turning. 

Jaebum’s the only one who feels the tremble in Mark’s shoulders as he tries to hold it in. Jaebum’s the only one who can feel Mark lean on him as his legs are ready to give out. The only one to pick up on the intake of breath as the omega is holding back the sob. The only one to feel Mark grab his hand and squeeze so hard for a lifeline of some kind. 

But Mark is the only one to know Jackson’s actions hurt worse than his words. Because Jackson just openly flirted with him again in public. He openly touched him without thinking twice about it. 

And that hurt the worst out of everything from how carefree and relaxed Jackson has been around him in public in so long…

“Mark-”

“I’m fine.” 

Mark cuts him off. He doesn’t want to hear it. Doesn’t want to talk about it. He just wants to escape reality. Wants to close his eyes---no no, he can’t do that either. Because when he does, all he sees is him and her. 

“Mark.”

The world stops as Jaebum forces Mark to stop moving. Coming to stand in front of him as he tries to get Mark to look up from the ground and at him. But when he tilts Mark’s chin up, the tears cascade down silently and his eyes show so much pain and brokenness. 

“Don’t,” Mark warns as his voice sounds so watery and cracks.

Jaebum’s expression shows raw pain at seeing Mark like this. Wishing he could do something, anything to make the pain stop. 

“She could really just be a friend. She said so herself-”

Mark laughs and it comes out almost angry as he moves away from Jaebum. His hands clenching into fists as its building and building. Reaching the surface fast as he can’t stop it. Can’t control it.

“What does it matter? What does that change? If not her, then who? It’s not me, Jaebum. It’s not me...it can never be me. I can’t make him feel that comfortable anymore. I can’t be there for him to lean on. I couldn’t even be with him at the hospital when she clearly could. I can’t be that person where he can call and tell me openly how he feels without worry of who might hear.”

He’s pacing in the back alley as the alpha watches him about to fall apart. Knows it’s about to come barreling out of him. And then Mark stops to face him, hot tears steadily pouring down his face as it does,

“I can’t be her! I can’t make him feel safe and desired! I can’t bring that smile forth like she can! I can’t! No matter how much I tried. How much I gave of me! It’s like the more I loved him, the more I destroyed him. The more he felt trapped in this cage because I’m a fucking male! By loving me, I stole that laugh...that smile...and now look at him! How happy and relaxed he is! I was the problem! It was me...I’m always the problem...I’m always the reason…”

Mark hits Jaebum’s chest. Pushing against him as if trying to move him will do any good. Jaebum stands there and takes it. The hits not hurting like his heart is aching for Mark. Not moving as he wants Mark to know he’s not going anywhere and finally toward the end, the fight leaves Mark as the first sob is coming forth as his hands keep a grip on the alpha’s shirt. Crinkling the top as his hands shake before Mark collapses before him with his head against his shoulder,

“I just wanted to love him...I just wanted his love...I just wanted him to be happy with me...why can’t it be me? Why, Jaebum? Why couldn’t I be her?”

Jaebum’s arms come to wrap around Mark as the omega breaks down completely. The alpha rubs his back soothingly to encourage Mark to let it out. Not getting mad at him for crying. Not telling him to suck it up. He lets Mark know he’s heard him. He lets Mark know that he’s here. Letting Mark cry it out and voice it until he can’t anymore. Until he’s grown tired mentally and there’s no more tears left. 

Now they’re just sitting on the ground with Mark curled up in Jaebum’s arms. It’s cold in the dark alley and the alpha’s butt has long since gone numb but he doesn’t move. He continues to hold Mark, hoping his scent can calm him. Hoping his touch can reach him. Hoping he’s doing something that can be of help for Mark. 

But he can’t help but feel his own emotions rising to the surface. Wishing he could say what he wants to. Wishing he could do more but knows he can’t. Knows it’s not his place but he still can’t help but say,

“I too wanted to love someone and get their love in return. Wondering why him and not me? Watching them be happy with someone else.”

Mark’s fingers start messing with the alpha’s shirt more, moving to knead to feel the warmth underneath for something to keep him grounded. Eyes unfocused as he stares off at nothing,

“Does it ever stop hurting like this?”

Jaebum lets out a slight huff that threatens to crack a smile. It wasn’t something funny nor something that was painless. It’s the fact of the irony of the situation that Mark had no clue of.

A hand comes to run over Mark’s face gently to help wipe away drying tears,

“No. But seeing them happy made it all worth it. Even if it’ll never be me, all I want is for them to be happy.”

Mark’s eyes finally move to lock with Jaebum’s. The alpha’s heated gaze has been on him for quite some time. You can see how raw and open Jaebum is as you can also see how broken and unstable Mark is becoming,

“How are you so strong? How do you cope?” 

“Through my passions. Music, art, photographs, surrounding myself around my loved ones. But I have my dark days just like everyone else.”

“Hmm,” Mark lets out in response before he snuggles closer and holds on tightly.

Their breaths are mixing, lips almost brushing when the omega says,

“Help me forget, Bummie. I wanna forget too. I don’t want to remember his touch. His arms wrapped around me when we’re in bed. I don’t wanna think about him with that woman or another…”

Jaebum’s eyes go wide. Is Mark trying to seduce him right now? 

Mark attempts to straddle Jaebum and wrap his arms around the alpha’s neck but Jaebum intervenes, and ends up manhandling Mark up and over his shoulder.

“What-” Mark is shocked at this before he finds Jaebum already standing up and moving down the alley,

“I’m taking you home where you need to rest.”

Mark feels his heart skip a beat at that. The alpha being so kind and a gentleman that it makes the omega’s heart ache with more emotions. Makes the tears he thought he cried all out, come right back.

“Stupid alpha...stupid...stupid…”

You’re supposed to use him! It’s what he’s good for! It’s all he’s good for! Being used and left behind. He’s a male omega. He’s just a hole. He’s good for that. He can be a good fuck. 

Things blur for Mark as he’s not in the right state of mind. Soon he finds his back hitting the bed before his shoes are being taken off and the covers coming to wrap around him securely. All before fingers run through his hair so caringly and warm,

“Get some rest and when you wake up, we can go for another walk or just snuggle and watch some youtube, ok?”

There the alpha was talking in his deep soothing tone with a loving expression on his face. 

Mark wants to argue that he’s not tired. Argue that he doesn’t want that. He wants to forget the pain. He wants to forget everything. But it’s like Jaebum’s fingers are magic and soon his eyes are closing. It’s like Jaebum’s scent is a blanket wrapping around him to keep him safe. And it’s like his soft humming voice was the lullaby to lure him right to sleep…

Jaebum glances at Mark one last time before exiting the room and pulling out his phone. If he had only paid attention to the warning texts from the others, then he would’ve kept Mark away but now the damage has been done and now it’s only gotten worse. Jaebum’s heart still beating fast at recalling Mark trying to seduce him. At how he almost lost control himself as the love of his life was trying to offer himself to him. 

He almost laughs at the irony again. Mark doesn’t even know the things he does to him. Doesn’t even know the love he’s held inside for so long. 

But Mark has been through a lot and Jaebum knows he’s trying to use another unhealthy coping mechanism. Something that makes him wonder if he’s done this in the past. Where when his parents wouldn’t love him anymore, did he try to go to whoever could. Falling for older men’s lies so they can get a quick fuck? Knowing they could use and take what they want? And poor innocent Mark following along hoping someone would love him. Would want him. 

His heart aches for Mark.

His phone starts to go off and he finds it’s Jinyoung. It’s like he knows. Hell, he always knows and when he goes to answer he can already hear him say,

“You need to stop this now or you’re gonna end up being the one hurt in the end, Jaebeom!”


	5. Chapter 5

“Jinyoung,” Jaebum sighs out his name as he rubs at his temples.

He knows this. He knew this from himself going over in his mind a thousand times that this might bite him in the ass at the end. But if Mark is happy...then that’s all that mattered. If that made him a fool, oh well then, because he wasn’t about to just sit back and not help Mark. Mark needs someone and he’s going to be there for him. Whether it’s as his friend, a brother, a leader, whatever. He’s there. He’ll always be there.

“No, Jaebum, you’re not brushing me off. Just look at you, you’ve been keeping yourself locked up with Mark and you need to stop. Jackson and him are still together. Just because Jackson forgot Mark, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love him.”

“Excuse me? You’re making it sound like I have him under lock and key like some prince in a castle and I’m the dragon keeping him away from the knight in shining armor. And from what went down today, I think it’s safe to assume they’re not. Even better, weren't YOU specifically trying to warn me to not let Mark go to his favorite restaurant?”

“Because I was trying to avoid that very reason! I didn’t want Mark to think some woman moved in and took his place. Sandra really is just a friend and Jackson’s parents were the one pushing her to go into the hospital room with him and such. Not Jackson.”

Jaebum plops down on his back as he frowns up at the ceiling fan and trying not to get mad at Jackson,

“You always defend Jackson but there might be something else going on that we don’t know about. Just like how the doctor explained that Jackson had some emotional trauma with Mark that made him block him out-”

“That doctor was an asshole in my opinion who thought he was all high and mighty just because he has a degree. And I disagree with him saying Mark should stay away. In fact, Jackson reached out to me through his mother’s phone today and said he wanted us to all get together tomorrow.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. He thinks they’re dating.”

Jaebum can hear the frustration in Jinyoung’s voice too, “Well if you would’ve paid attention to our texts you would’ve known.”

“I didn’t want my phone to distract me when Mark wanted to go for a walk. He’s been holed up in his house for a while now and when he asked to go out, of course I was gonna give him all my attention. How was I supposed to know Jackson was gonna be out and about already and take his family to their favorite restaurant on the same night and at the same time?”

“Jaebum,” Jinyoung lets out a sigh now.

They’re both exhausted. Surely the others are too. This has taken a toll on everyone and though they have time off to try and relax and rest, it’s like they’re getting the exact opposite. 

“Please, I know you can be hard headed and stubborn but don’t put yourself through this. Those two are gonna become close again. I guarantee it come tomorrow, they’ll be well on their way back to how things were before. And if you don’t stop now, you’re gonna end up torturing yourself again. Move on from him. It’s time you let him go.”

If only it were that easy. Even if he wanted to, he can’t. And he doesn’t want to. His heart beats so strongly for Mark. And being constantly around the male only makes his love grow more and more. Making him ache for him. Yearn to be in Jackson’s place. Wanting more than anything to show Mark his love for him. And fighting with his instincts to do so in actions. 

Jaebum drapes an arm over his eyes as he lets Jinyoung’s words sink in. He too believes they’ll get back together. That he knows Mark loves Jackson more than anything. That the alpha is all Mark sees and wants. But yet he still can’t help but dream. Of enjoying the small moments he’s been giving. Where Mark will laugh because of him. Will lean into his touch. Will fall asleep in his arms. Will let him get close and help take care of him. Will let him hold his hand as they walk through nature. And when Mark will open up to him about things he doesn’t know about him. That he feels comfortable and wants to share with him parts of him that not even the others knew since knowing Mark for a long time now. Parts that Jackson probably knows and was the only one. And Jaebum is afraid once Jackson remembers, it’ll go back to how things were. But the question is, would he be able to just accept it this time? Would he just sit back and let it happen or will he be stupid and try to intervene? Risking of ruining his relationship with Jackson or Got7’s future? Cause spending this time with Mark, having these little bits and pieces of moments with Mark make him want to fight to remain by his side like this. Make him want to be selfish and foolish in the name of love. But then again, would that make Mark happy? 

No, because Mark doesn’t want him.

“Jaebum...just...tomorrow at his place around noon. Show up with Mark or be prepared to have my ass show up and come get you both. I’m not trying to be the bad guy here, but this is for your own good and Mark’s. I want everyone to be happy even if that means you’ll be mad at me for a long ass time in the process.”

No, Jinyoung is right. Jinyoung has only ever wanted the best for all the members. He’s always been the serious type. The one to sass if need be and to kick your ass into gear during other times. And he needs a good ass kicking to remind him to not get lost in his dreams and face reality. 

But how could he let Mark go when all he ever wanted and needed was right there in front of him? 

“Jae-”

Jaebum tries to swallow down the lump growing in his throat, 

“I got it...we’ll be there.” 

With that, he ends the call and sets the phone down on the nearby coffee table. He rubs his face, slowly moving hands over it as he tries to figure out what he should do…

“Jackson wants to see me?” 

Mark almost can’t believe it as it shows on his face. How he stops poking at his cereal and his head jerks up to look at Jaebum.

“Jinyoung called last night and said he wants us all to come over.”

Jaebum tries to keep himself busy by cleaning up the kitchen a bit. Mark’s expression fell as his head droops back low and he continues swirling his spoon around his uneaten cereal.

“So it’s everyone he wants to see, not just me…”

Mark looks like a dejected child whose parent has been out working more and more instead of seeing their child. Jaebum feels his heart ache as he stops what he’s doing and comes to sit next to him. Mark can hear the sound of the chair sliding closer before he feels the warmth of the alpha’s knee brushing against his leg.

“You don’t know that. The fact that he made sure to tell Jinyoung to bring you is a good sign that he wants to get to know you again.”

“Yeah but…” Mark worries his bottom lip as his expression saddens more, “But the doctor said I cause him great stress. What if I cause him more problems by being there? He said I should stay away until he’s fully healed.” 

Jaebum softly lifts Mark’s chin so he’ll look at him. It takes a moment but Mark soon lifts his eyes to meet his gentle gaze,

“I think it’ll do him some good. He’s probably been dying of curiosity and wanting to know why he forgot about you. And who knows, maybe something will trigger his memory if you start talking with him. If not, I know it would make him happy that you showed up as you know how much of a social butterfly he is.”

True. Jackson is a very social alpha who is both kind and caring and can lead a conversation anywhere. He enjoys company and touch and he remembers the little things. Like the dates and the exact time. The times you showed up and were there and the times you missed out on something. And Mark knows how it’ll bother Jackson if someone can’t make it even with good reason. Because he truly enjoys making memories with his loved ones and he cherishes his friends so much. 

And god knows Mark doesn’t want to hurt Jackson anymore.

“Just...just for a little while then.”

If that woman isn’t there then he can do this. Or at least try to do this.

“Just for a little bit and then we can do whatever you want.” 

Mark leans into Jaebum’s touch as he caresses his cheek. Mark’s eyelashes flutter as his eyes close and Jaebum takes this chance to soak up this moment. To openly look at Mark’s beauty and how he easily makes his heart skip a beat and then beat so strongly the next. How he tries to keep himself in check and not lean in closer. 

The moment doesn’t last long, it never does and soon Mark is opening his eyes again,

“I’m sorry for yesterday.”

“Hmm?” Jaebum lets out as he’s listening,

“I was out of line for trying that with you. I value our relationship more than that and I don’t want to ruin it because of me being unable to handle my breakdowns.”

Jaebum gives him a warm smile, 

“I thought it was kind of flattering in a way that you’d want to sleep with me. Just proves that I’m all the more sexy.”

Mark reaches out to lightly smack the alpha’s arm as a giggle comes right out and his expression brightens,

“Bummie! I’m being serious here!”

“I am too,” Jaebum says as his expression shows he’s all playful and smiling growing.

He wanted Mark to smile and he got it. Knowing it was better to lighten the mood as he didn’t want Mark to think he ruined anything between them because he didn’t. He understands him. He knows why he was like that yesterday and the fact that he apologized showed how much he valued their relationship right there. He also doesn’t want Mark to feel bad about having a breakdown or reaching that point. Wanting positive vibes instead of negative so Mark will continue to want to lean on him and know he can still be open and vulnerable with him. That the alpha can always be a safe place for him to go to. 

“Now, before we do anything, you need to eat.”

Mark whines as here the alpha goes again,

“But Bummie-”

“Nope. Can’t go see Jackson until you eat and you know Jinyoung will show up here if we’re late to drag us there himself.”

Mark pouts, “But I’m not hungry. And what about you? You need to eat too!”

Mark points his finger into Jaebum’s chest as he shows a bit of fierceness like if I’m going down, you’re going down with me. 

“Mark, this isn’t about me-” Jaebum doesn’t get a chance to finish before Mark is shoving a big spoonful of cereal into the alpha’s mouth.

Jaebum is forced to take it as he doesn’t want to cause a mess. Mark’s giggles are coming forth at the sight of Jaebum struggling to not let milk spill out his mouth before seeing his cheek puff up a bit as the alpha moves the cereal to one side in his mouth and chews. And then Jaebum is meeting his gaze again with a playful fire of his own,

“Your turn.”

Mark’s eyes go wide as Jaebum takes the spoon. He tries to move but the alpha wraps an arm around him and brings him into his lap. Mark clings as he doesn’t want to fall before finding himself with a spoon to his lips and Jaebum going,

“Say Ah!” Like he was feeding a child.

Mark snorts at Jaebum being all cutesy before giving him a look of, ‘You gotta do better than that’ before he feels the alpha’s fingers start to tickle his sides. Mark jerks, another giggle about to come out when the spoon of cereal goes into his mouth. Jaebum laughs loudly, going all eye smile as Mark sulks in defeat and is chewing up the food in his mouth. But Mark can’t stay mad as Jaebum looks adorable with his eye smile and dinosaur laugh going. And just so he doesn’t get more tickles, he ends up sharing the bowl of cereal with the alpha…

“I’m gonna throw up.”

He’s shaking, hands showing it visibly as he tries to calm his nerves while watching the scenery go by in Jaebum’s car.

“I can’t do this. What if she’s there? What if I say something wrong? What if I forget and touch him too intimately? What if-”

Mark’s breathing is picking up the closer they get to Jackson’s house. Mark knows this route. He used to take it all the time. Knows it like the back of his hand and that they have less than three minutes before they arrive. 

This was a stupid idea. He’s gonna fuck this up somehow. He’s gonna make it worse. He needs something to calm his nerves. But he doesn’t have anything and breathing exercises aren’t working--

Mark’s breath hitches before his body kick-starts into gear again the moment he feels fingers brushing along the back of his healed hand before slowly intertwining with his own fingers.

“I’m here, Mark. And the others will be there too. We’ll get through this together. One step at a time.”

It’s like a simple touch from Jaebum was doing wonders now. Where before, hugs and touching of his hands kind of felt weird. It didn’t feel quite right. Where before, Mark would always be craving to touch Jackson’s hand and hold it and be held by him and only him. Well, it’s been so long since he last could. With Jackson’s busy schedule and taking on more and more projects, Mark has been touch starved for so long that he finds himself liking the touch from Jaebum a little bit at a time. It’s comforting. It makes him feel safe and he finds himself latching on. Clinging to the alpha’s hand right back. 

“K,” Mark manages to let out as he tries to calm his thoughts.

As he focuses on Jaebum’s warmth through his hand. His scent that’s all over in the car and closes his eyes. It helps but he still can’t help his heart from aching. The pain of wanting and needing Jackson. Of the love that is still bleeding to reach out and be accepted by the alpha he yearns for. 

The alpha he’s afraid he won’t be able to have anymore…

But it’s a few hours later and they’re all in Jackson’s home. All conversing with their usual chaotic energy when Mark goes to get something to drink. Jaebum wants to follow so badly but remains on the couch thanks to Jinyoung. Youngjae is laughing at Yugyeom and Bam still doing silly dance moves and doesn’t notice how Jackson gets up to follow Mark into the kitchen. And it’s killing Jaebum as he wonders what’s going on. If Mark needs him. If Mark is ok. What are they talking about? He can’t see or hear anything. His heart is beating fast and his leg starts to bounce as he can’t take it anymore. He has to go check. He ignores Jinyoung’s warning and heads straight for the kitchen. Ready to use the excuse that he needed something to drink as well but stops in the doorway as from his angle, he can see Mark up against the kitchen counter with Jackson caging him in and ready to kiss him…


	6. Chapter 6

“Mark!”

Seconds into entering the home is Mark engulfed into one hug after the next. Starting from Yugyeom to Bam, Jinyoung and ending with Youngjae. 

“It’s so good to see you,” Youngjae greets happily as Yugyeom and Bam whine at not getting enough hug time.

“Yoh bro, how have you been?” Bam asks as he tries to tug Mark out of Youngjae’s arms.

“Me first, I’ve missed him the most,” Yugyeom playfully pushes Bam out of the way.

The two are now bickering while clinging to Mark at the same time, all while Youngjae still hugs the omega’s front side. Jinyoung smiles at the sight before turning to look at Jaebum as they stand off to the side,

“You good?” Jinyoung whispers and Jaebum nods.

“Why wouldn’t I be? Now where’s Jackson?” 

Jinyoung’s expression is unreadable but he lets it slide as he replies with a nod toward the living room,

“You know how he is. He has to make sure everyone will be comfortable and have plenty to eat and drink.”

As if on cue, they can hear some music start to play in the background to set the environment. 

“Hello my people!” Jackson comes to greet as he starts giving hugs himself. 

Mark’s nerves start to flare up the closer Jackson is getting to him. It makes the palms of his hands sweaty and his heart race. He can feel the urge to leave building up in him as he instinctively looks to Jaebum. Jaebum notices and can see the panic in his eyes. The alpha moves closer and brushes his fingers along Mark’s hand. Mark lets out a breath at the contact as he leans back against Jaebum before he finds himself staring Jackson right in the face.

“Hey Mark,” Jackson greets and pulls him into a hug before Mark can register it.

Mark tenses right away but the smell of the alpha brings back so many memories. Brings forth a whine that he tries so hard to swallow back down as he shakily raises his free arm up to pat him on the back.

“H-hey,” he manages to get out and tries to smile back.

“No need to hold back, Markie. Just be you, alright?” Jackson tries to reassure him.

The alpha squeezes his arm lightly before moving to greet Jaebum and Jinyoung next. Jaebum gives him a bro hug but doesn’t let go of Mark’s hand, making sure to intertwine their fingers tighter to let Mark know he’s here. That it’s gonna be ok. And when Jackson moves on to Jinyoung, Jaebum takes his position back closer to Mark, their sides touching.

“You wanna go sit in the living room?” Jaebum asks and Mark nods.

The two follow the others who are conversing amongst themselves before they all end up entering the living room together. The living room is nice and cozy and there’s already some snacks and such set up on the coffee table as couches and some chairs surround it so everyone can sit close by. 

“Come, sit sit, enjoy. Relax. I want to hear what you guys have been up to these past few days and I really hope I didn’t scare you guys too bad with my accident. But I want to move forward from it, and continue my life as one would before it ever happened so please, good vibes ok? I’m alive. I’m well and I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Chill, we’re not your parents,” Jinyoung teases a bit and Jackson smiles toward him.

“You have no idea how long it took me to convince them I was alive. They walked into the room like I was already a ghost trying to communicate with them from the dead.”

“Dude, you can’t blame them though! When we got word of your wreck, they wouldn’t tell us anything other than it was bad, you were still unconscious and being rushed to the hospital as they spoke,” Bam explains as they all start to make themselves comfortable.

Youngjae nods in agreement as he snags a chip and leans against Jinyoung’s shoulder,

“Like anyone’s first thought would’ve gone to the worst. And when we arrived, they wouldn’t tell us anything nor let us go see you.” 

“Really? They wouldn’t tell you nothing?” Jackson is shocked by this as he looks around at each of them.

Mark shies away a bit in his corner of the couch with Jaebum caging him securely. Jinyoung sits on the alpha’s other side as his face shows how upset he was at the hospital,

“All we asked is if you were ok and they’re like, we can’t give you any information unless you’re blood related or his parents. Please wait over there until further notice.”

Jackson’s expression starts to mimic Jinyoung’s, “What?! No! I would’ve raised hell. Ain’t no one keeping me from seeing any of you guys if you ended up in the hospital.”

“Trust me, we tried that,” Yugyeom voices as he grabs a drink to sip on while nudging Bam’s long leg with his own accidentally. 

“It would’ve gotten us kicked out so the best bet was to wait. And that’s what we did. We’re glad you’re ok,” Jaebum states as Jackson’s expression softens.

“I really appreciate it, guys. I couldn’t have asked for better people to be around.”

“Got7 forever baby!” Bam lets out in excitement as he clasps Jackson’s shoulder.

“7 or nothing!” Yugyeom cheers too as he hugs Jackson’s other side.

Jackson’s smile comes forth as he goes, “Hey, I remember that saying! Even though I can’t remember Mark well, I remember vauling that saying and backing it up over and over again wherever I went.” 

The others all go wide eyed in shock. Mark’s speechless as Youngjae squeals,

“Ah! You’re already remembering some things?!” 

“That’s good, Jackson,” Jinyoung smiles too.

Mark’s heart skips a beat at that. Does that mean Jackson will remember more? Is that a good sign? 

Jackson looks right to Mark and gives him a bright grin,

“See? Nothing to worry about. Everything will be back to where it should be in no time.” 

“Oh! Maybe we should play some games or something. It might end up triggering more memories or something,” Yugyeom suggests.

“What should we play?” Youngjae asks as Bam starts listing things off his fingers.

Mark tries to focus but his mind keeps thinking of what could be. What could happen. What if he remembers more? What if he only remembers certain things? The bad things? But he can’t help but have some hope that maybe he’ll remember all the good things. That he’ll remember their little dates they used to have. And late night talks. And when they would kiss and text each other that they missed one another. When they would send each other gifts to let them know they cared and were loved. Those were such good times. Those were memories Mark held onto and cherished. Hoping to be like that again. Hoping to find a way. 

Maybe it would take Jackson having amnesia to bring them back together again. 

Things are going well. The atmosphere is light and cheerful. They’re all having fun. They’re all together. Just them seven and it’s like old times, like every time they come together as they’re chaotic and loud. Challenging the other. Cheating in games the next. Becoming very competitive while teasing each other. All of them laughing and smiling. 

It was nice. And Mark can’t stop looking Jackson’s way. Loving moments like these and seeing the alpha in his element and happy. Letting loose and not tensed up. Not worrying about his career or what step he should take next. Just taking a moment to relax and surround himself around loved ones.

And it was good to know Jackson was really alive and healthy. That it was like the accident never even happened as his bruises and cuts were healing up to barely noticeable. But Mark knows it still happened. Knows it from when he runs his own fingers over his knuckles as he can still feel the cuts healing on his own hand underneath his sweater paws. Can feel his hand is still a bit sore when he moves his fingers or flexes them. 

It’s still a reminder of Jackson not remembering him. And it shows when Jackson keeps glancing his way too. Actually meeting his eye contact where Jackson liked to be more subtle and look Mark’s direction when he wasn’t looking. Not like this, where he would meet his gaze and give him a smile or wiggle his eyebrows in the flirty manner that he likes to do to others. Or will reach out and brush his hand on his knee or along his side. Where he’s not afraid to get closer and show affection like he does with the others. 

And to the others, they’re very happy about it. Seeing this as a good sign; not knowing the truth. Not realizing what’s been in front of them this whole time. Everyone except Jaebum. Jaebum, who is watching their interaction and trying to not get jealous. He wants to stop it but it’s not his place. And Mark looks genuinely pleased and happy. He’s not as tense and seems really hopeful. He’s becoming more talkative and animated. Giggling more as well and coming out of his shell. 

It sends a pain through Jaebum’s heart as maybe this is what the two needed. Maybe Jackson really needed to forget so they could start over. So they could learn to love again and do it the right way this time. Where they’re now at the point in their career where before they had nothing and were struggling to make it past debut. Maybe this would fix everything between them and they can heal each other…

“Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!” 

All of them are gathered around in an intense match as it’s Jaebum versus Mark now. The two oldest ones playing to see who will win this round as the others have lost and are currently cheering each other on.

“A tie!” Youngjae shouts as Bam and Yugyeom let out a noise as they can’t believe it.

“This is the third time of you two tying. It’s like you’re the same person!” Jackson lets out as he hangs off Jinyoung’s shoulder in waiting excitement.

“If you guys tie again I’m gonna count that as cheating,” Jinyoung sasses.

Mark giggles, playfulness in his eyes as he smiles up at Jaebum. Jaebum’s expression is just as playful and happy as they’re ready to go another round. The guys around them cheer them on again before they start to do the chant. All of them huddled together closely and watching as Mark and Jaebum start to move their hands and---

“MARK HYUNG WINS!!!” Yugyeom exclaims as Bam lets out one noise after the next.

Mark starts hopping like a bunny on the couch before he does something instinctive as Jackson comes forth to congratulate him. Mark sees him with outstretched arms and just away he goes straight into them as he jumps off the couch and koala hugs his front. Jackson catches him and the two continue giggling and laughing as Jackson twirls him around until setting him down on his feet. Mark remains attached to his side until he realizes how close they are and starts to get a bit shy. Especially when Jackson is still looking at him so intensely with that handsome face of his.

Mark lets go as he’s aware of how long he’d been touching for and doesn’t want to upset the alpha so he moves back and away. It confuses Jackson that he tilts his head to the side and wonders if he might’ve done something but before he can ask, Mark is excusing himself to go get a drink. 

The others are still chaotic as usual as they converse about the game and what they should do next. Bam and Yugyeom say they should have a dance off and start showing off some silly dance moves that have Youngjae cackling. Jaebum had sat down on the other couch in pouting defeat as Jinyoung tries to comfort him and get his mind on something else but his eyes follow Mark as he retreats to the kitchen. 

“Jaebum, you have to let him go,” Jinyoung tells him quietly.

He keeps Jaebum from getting up as if he knew Jackson would follow him into the kitchen and he does. And Jaebum knows he should. Knows from today that he doesn’t stand a chance. Never stood a chance. But what if Mark needed him? What if he can’t help but want to hold onto that selfish thought that he could be. That he could love Mark better. And he propels him to get up despite Jinyoung’s warning…

Fuck. What should he do? Will Jackson get mad? He shouldn’t have done that. What if he messed up? What if Jackson knows he likes him or something? Did he ruin things again…

Breathe, breathe, he needs to breathe. 

Just take a moment. Try to calm down. Fuck, his nerves are trying to go again. 

Mark enters the kitchen and tries to let out a deep breath through his mouth as he heads straight for the fridge. There’s alcohol but he’s only been drinking water and some juice since he’s gotten here. So he moves it to the side to get a cold water bottle before standing back up and closing the fridge just to turn around and find Jackson right there.

Mark jumps, anxiety rising fast as the alpha locks eyes with him,

“Mark, why’d you do that?” Jackson asks.

Oh god. Here it is. He’s questioning him. He shouldn’t have done that in front of the others. He should’ve kept himself under lock and key. 

“Um I…” 

The words are getting stuck in his throat. The whine that wants to come forth trying to push past what he wants to say. His heart is beating fast against his ribcage, a blush rising out of being shy and nervous. His hands shaking as he touches along the kitchen counter and moving back and away from Jackson. But Jackson just follows, getting closer and closer until Mark’s back hits the edge of the counter with nowhere to go and the alpha is caging him in. 

“Mark,” Jackson calls out and Mark can’t handle this.

It’s too much. Too, too much. His eyes squeezing shut as he tries to block all of this out, his breath hitching when he feels the alpha’s hand caressing his cheek softly. It’s been so long since Jackson has touched him intimately like this that it makes his lips part and his body react as he feels the alpha’s thumb brush over his upper lip and then---

“Wait a second, It’s been driving me crazy since I first noticed it, but you have like a crumb from those chips you were munching on earlier, so please let me get it.”

Oh? 

Jackson moves away as soon as he’s done and shows Mark the moment he opens his eyes,

“There. Now we can focus on the matter at hand like why you’re acting weird around me. I thought I told you just to be you. You don’t have to be afraid of holding back, you know. Yeah, I may not remember you but I still ‘know’ you. Like your scent is familiar to me and such. Your touch is familiar to me as well and there’s the whole internet that has photos and videos of us around one another. We’re in a band together too so don’t let this wreck make you think you have to be fragile around me. Let it come naturally, bro.”

He even playfully nudges Mark’s arm, “I mean it. I like you, so should we hang out more just you and me? Will that help?” 

Mark is in shock. Jackson likes him? He still likes him? And he wants to hang out? Just them two? It’s been so long-

“Me? You want to hang out with just me?” 

Jackson makes a face again of confusion, “Yes you. Why wouldn’t I? Did we fight or something before to make you think that? Because if so I want to say I’m sorry and we need to change that. I want to get to know you again, Yien.” 

He says the word so naturally that it takes a moment before it sinks in that he’s said it and it shocks even him, 

“Hey! I did it again! Did I call you Yien a lot? Wait, you know Mandarin right?” 

Mark looks like he’s about to cry and Jackson starts to fret as he gets closer, 

“Do you not like that? Oh god, please tell me I didn’t just offend you or something-”

“No...no you...you haven’t called me that...in so long…” 

Mark says this in his native tongue and Jackson’s expression softens before pulling the omega into a comforting hug, 

“Well starting today that’s what I’m gonna call you. Yien...my Yien.” 

Mark can’t help it as the tears fall and he buries his face into Jackson’s chest. Jackson feels for the omega and wishes he knew what it was that they might have argued about or something that caused Mark to think he was mad at him or hated him. He didn’t want to ask now since Mark was still so upset by it but he planned to find out somehow so he could make it right. And he planned on spending more time with Mark to let him know he still wants and values their relationship regardless if he can remember or not. 

“There, there, let it out. I got you.”

Jackson strokes his back soothingly as he holds him close and it’s like this where it feels like back then. Back when they were going strong and so in love. Back then when they were chasing their dreams together and leaning on each other through hard times…

Loving one another through it all…

Wiping his face with the napkin Jackson got him, the alpha helps to freshen up his face and gives him another comforting squeeze on his arm,

“You good now? You need another moment?” 

Mark shakes his head after throwing away the napkin, “I’m good. Thank you.”

Jackson gives him his squirtle smile before taking his hand and leading him back out to the others. It was nice like this. To feel the warmth of his hand again. To feel like he might be able to be whole again. To have hope. But Mark finds himself looking for a certain alpha the second they enter the living room.

“Where’s Bummie?” Mark asks as he finds he’s not there.

Did he go to the bathroom? 

“He said something came up and he had to go. He apologizes for dipping,” Youngjae tells them.

Mark deflates instantly. But didn’t Jaebum say he’d be there? That they’d go back together? 

“It seemed pretty urgent as he rushed out before we could figure out why,” Yugyeom frowns as he’s worried.

“A phone call maybe? It could’ve been from his Mom or the agency,” Bam says.

“Let’s give Jaebum some space and I’ll find out later what’s going on,” Jinyoung states and it calms the other’s down.

Everyone except Mark that is, but he doesn’t want to bother the alpha. He knows Jaebum likes to do things on his own. Feeling as the leader that it’s his responsibility to do so. But he’s also gonna ask him about it later himself. Because Jaebum’s been there for him and he wants to be there back for him. 

He can’t help but miss Jaebum already though…

Mark is home alone and already feels the loneliness trying to creep in. The dark thoughts trying to wrap their way around his body and weigh him down. Instantly he craves for something, anything to distract himself. And then his mind goes to one person,

Jaebum

But what if he’s still dealing with that important matter? He can’t bother him with something minimal like this. He doesn’t want to be a burden. To make things worse. He should send a text though, to let him know he’s here. So he does just that, texting Jaebum that he just got home from spending more time with the others and that he hopes everything is ok. 

Locking his phone, Mark tries to do something and starts cleaning the home. Smiling as he finds pieces of Jaebum’s clothing mixed about with his own and puts them into the washer. Moving a pair of Jaebum’s shoes to be neater next to his own by the front door. Fixing the bed that has both their scents intertwined and fluffing the one pillow that Jaebum claimed as his while staying and stated it was the best one out of all of them. He even cleans out the cup that held both their toothbrushes and feels warmth at recalling the times they had to huddle together in this tiny bathroom. Jaebum’s broad shoulders taking up most of the room that they kept nudging and bumping into one another where at first seemed annoying, but it became endearing and a fun game to them. All until they figured out a routine of Jaebum standing behind him as they brushed their teeth together. 

“Silly alpha…” Mark mumbles to himself. 

He really wants to tell him about what went down. He wants to tell him about Jackson. The good news. I mean, he shouldn’t hope but he can’t help but think this is good news. That it’s not a date but Jackson already set up a time and place so they can hang out again in a few days. Plus, they’ll all be coming back to work together soon.

Mark feels happy. Feels like he can be happy again. He can do this. 

He hears a ding and finds his phone to see if it’s from Jaebum and it is,

‘I promise everything is fine. It was just something of a project I had been working on before we took time off but everything is running smoothly again. Did you have fun? I’m sorry I had to leave on such short notice.’

Mark smiles down at the phone as he moves to the bed. Of course their leader would apologize again. Always so caring and kind.

‘You can always confide in me back, you know. I’m a good listener if anything if you need to vent. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me so no need to apologize. You’ve done more than enough trying to cater to my needs of being a mental case. But I did have fun. We played more games and we caught up on some things before we all eventually parted. Yugyeom took me home.’ 

The rely is instant that Mark doesn’t even have to lock his phone,

‘First off,’

‘Don’t say that about yourself. You’re human. And it didn’t bother me or annoy me helping you. I enjoyed spending time with you and I’m glad you were able to open back up to the others. They were missing you like crazy and kept wanting to come see you but I wouldn’t let them because I knew you needed some time.’

Mark’s heart swells with emotion. Jaebum really was such a good alpha. 

‘Thank you. I’m sad we didn’t get to leave together though. I thought we were gonna have snuggle time again.’

‘I knew you secretly loved snuggle time.’

Mark giggles as his smile grows,

‘I can’t help that I grew used to having a giant wrapped around me to be able to sleep well. You’re like a personal heater too.’

‘You keep teasing me and I’ll send you pictures of Nora snuggling with me right now so you’ll be jealous.’

‘Bummie, that’s mean! You already betrayed me with a cat? Wow. Fine, I’ll just wear your favorite hoodie to bed that you left in my room.’

‘Shit! I totally did leave it!’

Soon a photo attachment comes through and it’s of Nora asleep on Jaebum’s chest. Mark coos before getting up to put on the alpha’s hoodie and takes a picture to send right back. It took several minutes before another reply came through,

‘Sorry, Nora woke up and wanted attention and tried to take the phone away so I could give it to her. I meant to ask, is everything good with Jackson? I hope your nerves weren't bad after I left.’

‘Nora’s so sassy. Hehe :D Yeah, it was actually nice. He stuck by my side the rest of the time and he even set up a day a few days from now to hang out just us two. I’m excited for it.’

Again, the reply comes a bit later but Mark doesn’t mind and he’s starting to get sleepy as he’s all warm in Jaebum’s hoodie. It’s twice his size and feels like the alpha is surrounding him with his scent still on it. 

‘I’m happy for you. I hope it continues to go well as I know how much you two love one another.’

Mark blinks slowly as his eyes keep wanting to close now for sleep to take over,

‘I hope so too. I’m hoping he can fall in love with me again and this time I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him happy. Thank you again Bummie. Goodnight.’

Mark falls asleep soon after receiving a text of,

‘Goodnight, Mark’ from Jaebum. Not knowing how the alpha was struggling to hold back his thoughts and feelings. Not knowing the alpha was hurting and wanting nothing more than to say what he really wanted to say. That Mark didn’t need to do anything but simply be him and he’d be happy. That he can love him better. That he wishes Mark fell in love with him instead.

But he doesn’t because Mark genuinely looked happy today and if they’re going to hang out together again just them two, then things were already heading down that path. And that kiss he’d seen...he wanted to ask about it but was afraid to hear Mark enjoyed it. To hear Mark talk more about how amazing Jackson is and such. Of telling him of what can never be between them. 

Jaebum doesn’t get much sleep that night but he keeps the photo sent to him of Mark in his hoodie saved in his phone for safe keeping and a glimpse of what it could’ve been like if it was him and not Jackson…

Days go by and then have returned to normal. At least to the others it has. For Mark, it wasn’t. It showed clearly as their ‘date’ has gone all wrong from the moment he came over to Jackson’s house to the very end. As his hope comes crashing down as the proof is all over and when Jackson actually tells him, he has no idea how he completely destroys Mark. But Mark doesn’t show it. He’s fine. He’s fine...he’s fine…

He’s not her...he can never be her…

His words he texted to Jackson that day of his flight all came back to haunt him. Reminding him of the truth and being a hard pill to swallow. 

But he’s fine…

He’s not fine.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proceed with caution!!!!!

‘Morning Bummie’

Jaebum’s morning wasn’t going too great. He had stayed up late into the night working on more songs for Got7 so he got little sleep. It felt like the moment he hit the pillow, his alarm decided to go off and boy did he want to be grumpy about it. But then like magic, he receives a text from Mark and it’s like every negative thing washed away.

‘Morning Mark’

Jaebum texts back with a smile. Mark really was such a sweetheart. They’ve been texting daily even though they’re already all back to work and see each other all the time. Jackson was cleared a bit early and so the guys have all been back working hard. But Mark still takes time out of his busy schedule to text Jaebum good morning and goodnight texts as they’ll converse through the day if they can’t see one another. Not only that but Mark will bring him his favorite coffee or something to eat for breakfast when he arrives as he thanks him once again for taking care of him. And really, Mark should’ve stopped doing those gestures over a week and a half ago but well, Jaebum can’t bring himself to stop Mark. Not when it makes his heart melt and feel so warm receiving affection and attention from the omega. 

But he knows he’s not the reason for Mark’s happiness. He knows Mark’s doing better because of Jackson and that their relationship seems to be heading in the right direction. At least that’s what Jinyoung keeps telling him. That things are going great between them. That they’ve been texting back and forth and Jackson even went to pick Mark up one time to ride to work together or he’ll take him home. And that Jackson always makes an effort to go straight to the omega once they see each other. That just like that, things are going back to normal. Back to how it should be.

It’s hard to swallow that down though. To think this is how things are meant to be. That he doesn’t want to believe it and even asked Mark himself about it. Unfortunately, he had to ask through text because Jackson seemed to be stuck to Mark like glue at work and Jaebum hates to admit that he was a coward to call and hear Mark’s voice so happy about talking about the alpha so he stuck with text. Mark had been a bit bummed that Jackson had to push their ‘date’ they’re supposed to have together back but it’s still on and in fact, it was gonna happen today. That Jackson has really been making a huge effort to strengthen their bond and create new memories and that Mark was so excited for their big day today. 

Jaebum sighs as he runs a hand through his raven hair. 

He’s really gonna have to let Mark go. He’s gonna have to force himself to put that wall up in his heart to do it or Jinyoung might just beat his ass for him and do it himself. 

‘The ‘date’ is still on for today right? Or did he cancel again?’

The reply is instant as Mark must already be up and getting ready. The others and him have some things to do with solo schedules but Mark and Jackson have the full day off together. Or should.

‘It’s still on. I’m gonna be heading over there soon, I’m just still debating on what to wear. I know it’s not a date but I feel like I should dress to impress you know. But then it might make things awkward. But if I dress too casual he might be offended. But then again, he liked when it was casual before because then no one would assume it was a date. Just ugh! I don’t know what to do.’

Jaebum’s fingers itch to tell Mark that he’d look good in anything. That he’s beautiful no matter what and Jackson would be stupid if he thought otherwise. 

‘Just wear what you normally would when all of us get together. Something comfortable. If it was me, wearing my merch would get my attention and make me happy and we all know how much Jackson loves seeing people wear his merch.’

‘Ah, Bummie! You’re so smart! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I gotta finish getting ready! I’ll tell you all about it when it’s done!’

Jaebum can picture Mark running about in nerves and excitement as he happily puts on the alpha’s merch. It both hurts and makes him smile cause Mark would be so adorable, just not for him. 

‘Be safe and have fun. I’ll be waiting to hear from you.’

‘Same to you! And don’t forget to eat breakfast cause if I find out from the others that you didn’t, I will spoon feed you like you did me. :P Bye Bummie’

Jaebum chuckles softly before taking a moment to lock his phone and just lie back and stare up at the ceiling. 

There Mark goes making his heart swell with emotions again…

Jackson Wang merch on? Check. Phone? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Check. Himself? Check. Alright, he should have everything and is ready to go. The sound of the car door shuts as Mark giddily starts the car. He has nerves but they’re happy nerves this time. His heart soaring as it’s just gonna be him and Jackson. Just his alpha and him. Years of being together and finally they both can be happy again, just like old times. 

His stomach has butterflies, his heart beating to let him know he’s alive. And to make things better, he’s already gotten a text from Jackson as he loves calling him Yien again and telling him how he was just as excited to see him. 

Life was great. It was so good. He just had to stick it out. Just had to go through those hardships to get here. It was all worth it. So worth it. This was why he was alive. Why he stuck around instead of ending all those years ago. Because when he was younger he thought the best option was to end his life at a young age. Even set up a date and when that date arrived, he was ready to do it. But the moment right before a thought had come to him. A tiny voice. A voice that was him deep, deep inside that still wanted to fight. That little light inside that said, 

‘But what about the love of your life? Wouldn’t they be sad if they could never meet you? That they’re out there right now looking for you, hoping to see you soon. To be loved by you and you love them back.’

Mark had felt like nothing back at that moment. He felt so alone and lost and didn’t understand why he was born in the first place. Didn’t know his purpose if all he did was cause pain and suffering. If he couldn’t make anyone happy. But that voice in his head won that night. It beat those dark thoughts and made him hold on for another night. And shortly after, he had gotten the opportunity to go to Korea and become an idol. He had no dreams really. Didn’t think of what he might have wanted to be after his parents shot him down one after the next, that he never put thought into what he would be then? Cause he never thought he’d make it past being a teenager. He never saw a future or him achieving anything. 

But then he met the others. He met Jackson and slowly over time, their dreams became his dreams. Their love and happiness helped him. Seeing them struggle and push themselves made him want to push even harder so he could make them happy and see them succeed no matter how much he hated himself or felt like giving up. Hid his own bad thoughts and emotions so he could comfort others and help them in any way he could. So he wouldn’t burden anyone. It was fine. All he needed was Jackson’s love. It made him feel alive. It gave him strength. It made him want to get better and he had been healing. He swore he had. At least at the beginning. Back before they started to make it and Jackson showed his love less and less. But that’s in the past, this is the present and things are looking up. Jackson will love him again. He’s already showing signs of how things used to be. How it should be…

Mark parks the car and double checks that he has everything before getting out and locking the doors. The sound of the beep makes it more real that this is happening. This is it. God, he feels so happy that he can shout to the sky. That he could run a marathon. This was all he ever wanted and needed. To be with the love of his life. Nothing could bring him down. Nothing---

He was wrong. So wrong. Where he thought his parents could be the only ones to hurt him so. Where he thought bullies could be the only ones to hit so deep and leave scars. Where he thought mental illnesses could be the only ones to torture and fuck with him. 

He was wrong. This hurt worse. So much worse.

He can smell her on him. The second the door opened and Jackson pulled him into his arms for a bro hug, he could pick up on her scent. 

Already, he’s trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. His thoughts telling him that he knew it. That of course he would pick her. 

‘You’re not good enough. You’re a male. You’re not her. You can’t be her’

Mark tries to block those thoughts out. He doesn’t want it to ruin his day. So he tries to push those bad thoughts down. Telling himself that he’s overthinking again. Assuming the worst. Just breathe. It’s not true. It’s not.

But the further he steps into the home, the more obvious it is. He’s not blind to it as anyone can notice the high heels next to Jackson’s one pair of shoes by the front door. He notices a scarf hanging off the hook. He can smell her scent mixing in with Jackson’s as he walks toward the living room. And he wishes it would stop. Please just stop…

“Man am I so happy you came! I really do apologize about having to move our day back some but I hope I can make it up to. And look at you! Representing my merch. Bro, it’s like you know the way to my heart! But first, I want to show you something. In fact, this is something no one else knows, not my parents, not the others. Not even Jinyoung. You’re gonna be the first one because I really want to create new memories with you and I want our bond to be special. So I hope you’ll be able to help me with this.”

Jackson stops him in the living room and Mark has a phone shoved into his face.

He’s gonna be sick. His stomach is lurching and his heart is dropping as he takes in a photo of the alpha and her together. How there’s several photos as Jackson swipes left on his new phone,

“So...I know I said I wouldn’t. I know I said I’m gonna put my career first and that I don’t have time dating but...I can’t help it dude, just look at her! She’s beautiful! I swear the moment I saw her come into the hospital room to see me that everything else stopped. Like an angel coming in!” 

Jackson moves back and uses his whole body to try and express how he was feeling,

“Like how in the world did I not notice it before? How wonderful she is! How perfect?! We’re so compatible and she’s such a sweet girl. She even dropped everything to come see me regardless of her schedule and my heart, Yien! It’s beating so fast now just talking about her. Here, feel!”

He takes Mark’s hand and places it there over his chest. Mark bites his lip, trying so hard to keep his emotions from showing. From breaking down in front of the alpha. He looks so happy. Radiating it as his expression shines brightly. His eyes doing hearts that Mark knew so well. Used to see with him--

“I like her, Yien. I really fucking like her and we’ve been spending time together and I want to make a move but I’m nervous. So nervous of messing up. What if she doesn’t like me like that? Should I try it? Should I take her out on a date? I mean, we’ve already technically gone on several I just kind of tweaked it a bit and said it like they were just hanging out, friend dates. But dude, I generally enjoy her company. I can’t stop thinking about her. I dream about her. I see a future with her, man. I’ve never felt this happy before about anyone that I want to tell the world. Like god, if she was mine I would tell everyone and show her off and hold her close. PDA would have to be a thing she’s into cause there’s no way I’d be able to not show it. Plus, my parents would be so thrilled. I mean, I’m already steady with my career. I can still obtain the rest of my dreams with her by my side and one day I might even have a little family of my own. So what do you think? You think I should? I already have a song dedicated to her to use as my way of asking her out but I want you to listen to it first and tell me what you think.”

The words all come out before Mark can ask for a moment. Before Mark can try and control himself and not break down. But Jackson just continued. Kept going on and on about her. Rubbing it in his face. Like he was slapping him over and over again. Hitting him hard and making him unable to breathe. Unable to get a grip on reality as his world was falling apart again. Being ripped from him like he’s supposed to just be ok with this. That this wouldn’t hurt. Was fate being cruel right now? Was this some sick joke? Was Jackson really basically breaking up with him and telling him he’s moving on with another? Given, Jackson doesn’t remember him but still...this was too much. Too soon. Mark didn’t even have a chance to try and get him back. To try and really work on their relationship that he’s been trying to do for months prior to this but Jackson kept avoiding him. And now this. Now that last text message sent to him came back to haunt him. It turned into reality. It really did. 

“I...you…” Mark is getting choked up. 

His nerves are flaring and his emotions are racing to the surface. He needs a moment. He needs something...please-

“Hold that thought, I gotta pee.” 

Mark fakes it, forcing a smile as he walks past Jackson and strides toward the alpha’s bathroom. The door shuts behind him and instantly Mark has to hold back the sob as he instinctively went into this one and not the guest bathroom like he should’ve. But the tears well up in his eyes as he takes in her things mixed in with his in here too. From her makeup to even a toothbrush that let him know she’s stayed the night too. 

No...no, no...please...Jackson and him were a couple...Jackson and him loved each other...they were in love...he was supposed to be the love of his life...not her…NOT HER!

His hands shook as they lay over his face. He’s squatted down against the door as the tears pour silently. As his heart shatters completely. He was already replaced. He was already shown how easy it was. Shown that he really was ruining Jackson. That with him out of the picture, the alpha’s life was so happy now. He was happy with someone else. Not him. Not him...it can’t be him…

What good was he for? What was the point of holding on? What could he do now? There was nothing. Nothing he could do to fix this. To make it better. Their relationship was over for good now. It was done...like it should’ve been ages ago.

And it sucks. It sucks to know, no matter how hard he tried. How much love he gave; that giving all of him was not enough. That he would’ve just continued to destroy him again. 

‘Pathetic. Stupid. Worthless. No one wants you. You ruin everything. They just pity you. Crybaby. Waste of space. They’re happier without you. You’re just in the way. Don’t make it worse. Don’t make him miserable again.’

I’m fine

I’m fine

I’m fine

Mark hastily wipes at his tears with his sleeve. He has to go. He can’t take it out on Jackson. He can’t let him see him like this. He opens the door and hears music playing softly in the background. When he makes it back out to the living room, he can hear Jackson humming to the song in the kitchen as he rumages about. This was his chance to leave and he took it. Jackson only noticed minutes later when Mark was long gone…

He tried texting Mark to ask why he left but didn’t get no reply. He tried to call him but it went to voicemail each time. Not knowing Mark was sobbing loudly as he cried on the way home. Not knowing Mark was falling apart with each passing second. 

And it hurt Jackson that Mark left like that without telling him why. Without answering his texts. It upset him that he ended up calling Jinyoung to vent…

It’s only ten in the morning and Mark is drunk. Just trying to forget the world he’s forced to live in as the alcohol numbs his emotions. Stopped the crying as he can’t cry if he can’t remember why, right? Why was he hurting? Who cares. He feels good right now. All curled up under the blankets with bottles all around. A hand still holding onto the bottle of tequila as he wanted to get drunk fast so downing half the bottle was best. Not caring that he spills some onto his bed sheets. Why does it matter? Nothing matters. Nothing-

There’s loud banging on his door. Who is there? Why are they here? Don’t they know he’s doing just grand right now? 

There’s ringing of the bell and more loud banging. Mark frowns as the noise is loud. It’s making him have to focus and he doesn’t want that. Doesn’t want to come back to reality yet. 

“Ple...go away.” Mark tells them after stumbling toward the hallway. 

“Mark, get your ass to the door right now! I’m not leaving until I talk to you face to face.

Oh, is that Jinyoung? Why is he here? Why does he sound pissed off? Isn’t he busy? What is today? Wasn’t there something important going on today? 

Mark manages to get to the front door, bottle still in hand as he unlocks and opens it. Jinyoung takes him in and clicks his tongue before snatching the bottle away from Mark before moving his way inside. The door shuts hard as Mark whines and reaches for the bottle,

“Please...give it back…need it…”

Jinyoung moves, going to the kitchen where he sees more bottles of alcohol and grows angrier as he sets the bottle on the counter and rounds on Mark,

“What the fuck is your problem, Mark?!”

“Problem?...me?” Mark doesn’t understand why Jinyoung is mad at him.

What did he do? He doesn’t like that he’s upset him and now he’s trying to think of why. Think of how else he fucked up. 

“Yes you! Look at you! You’re fucking drunk! Do you know Jackson’s been worried?! Trying to call and text you and wondering why you suddenly left and here I find you drinking?!”

Oh...that’s right...her...it’s all his fault...Jackson doesn’t love him anymore...they’re no longer together…

“It was better for me to leave...I’m not her…”

Jinyoung sighs like he’s so sick and tired of hearing this shit. His face is so displeased and barely contains how much he wants to explode right now.

“When are you gonna get it through your head? Jackson may not remember but he’s trying, Mark! He’s been trying so hard to make things right between you two and you’re letting your own insecurities get in the way! You’re fucking things up by what you did! He thinks you don’t like him now and he sounded so stressed and panicked on the phone. Just like the day before the wreck. Not knowing what to do. How to handle you. How to make things better. How to help you-”

Mark’s breathing picks up, tears welling up as his heart beats faster and emotions are building and building. Taking in each of the words Jinyoung is saying and he can’t keep silent no more. He can’t. He doesn’t want to deal with this. He doesn’t want to be reminded of what he already knows.

“Just leave me alone!” 

Mark tries to leave when Jinyoung doesn’t budge but Jinyoung has had enough and tries to stop him from leaving. 

“Jinyoung, you’re pissing me off-”

“I’m pissing you off?!” 

Jinyoung pushes Mark back until his back hits the wall,

“You can’t just do that to someone. You can’t just shut down and expect things to be ok. He doesn’t remember you, he doesn’t know how you are. You can’t-”

“I know! I fucking know dammit! I know and that’s why I’m here and not there!”

Jinyoung steps back at Mark’s shouting. As he takes in the fierceness in his eyes before the omega is digging out his phone and unlocking it. Showing Jinyoung what he’s been looking at while he was getting so drunk. The last text message sent to Jackson on his old phone. Those words he sent before the wreck happened.

“I know I don’t make him happy anymore! I know all I do is fuck up! I know that no matter what I do, it’s not gonna be what I want it to be! So leave me the fuck alone! I’m fine! I’ll be at work tomorrow. I’ll do my job like normal. I won’t ruin anyone else’s day, career, life, none of it! I can handle myself! Just like how I’ve been doing since I’ve been a trainee. So let me have this day to get over it and move on. Ok?! Ok!” 

Jinyoung is quiet for a moment as Mark looks away from him and toward a spot on the ground. His chest is heaving with emotions as he’s trying to keep them contained.

“So that’s it, you’re just gonna give up? You’re gonna let those thoughts win? You’re not gonna fight for him? Whatever, Mark. I’m done trying to help. You want to drink yourself stupid, be my guest but don’t expect pity from me when you come in tomorrow feeling like shit.”

Jinyoung starts to head toward the door to leave. Mark doesn’t move from his spot until he hears the front door slam. That’s when he takes the bottle from the counter and downs more of it in one shot before throwing the bottle and having it shatter everywhere. Gripping the counter as he hates himself. Beating himself up as he needs to get a grip of himself. He’s making things worse still. He has to stop. It has to stop…

He can feel his emotions rising and rising with nowhere to go. No way to make it better. Jinyoung’s words going over and over in his head. He’s right. He’s ruining things already. It’s what he’s good at. It’s the only thing he’s good at. Dragging others down. Hurting them. Stressing them out. Upsetting them. He can’t do that anymore. He wants to make them happy. He wants to make someone happy…

His hands shake as he runs his fingers over the counter top when he feels a prick on the tip of his finger. He lifts his hand and finds a drop of blood already beading at the surface. The pain of the small cut grounding him. Calming those emotions and pushing them back down. Numbing them in a way for a short time. 

His eyes take in a nice shard of glass that he had pricked his finger on and starts to touch it. Slowly wrapping his hand around it as those bad thoughts kept rising. Telling him he should. He should punish himself for hurting others. That it’ll keep him in line. Remind him to not fuck up again. That it’ll block out those useless thoughts and feelings. He can do this. He’ll be fine…

I’m fine...I’m fine...I’m fine…

The blood drips slowly down his arms, mixing in with spilled alcohol on the kitchen tile. The sting made him feel new pain. Pain he can tolerate. Pain that he’d rather feel than the one in his heart. Taking over as it grew and grew until Mark felt like he could breathe again. And with bloody hands he sends a text to Jackson’s new number and apologizes. Saying he had some shit going on and that it wasn’t fair to do that to him. Tells him he’ll make up for it and that he should go for it. Telling him he didn’t have to hear the song to know it speaks from his heart and that she would love it and fall head over heels in love with him.

Just like he had…

Jackson texted back so happy to hear from him and telling him it was cool and that he’ll let him know before anyone else what she says...

“Yoh bro!” Bam greets with a cheerful smile as he sees Mark coming in.

Mark gives him a smile back, clasping his hand as they do a bro hug. Yugyeom then moves in to give a full on bear hug and Mark giggles,

“Hey, Yugyeom. I missed you too. I was literally only out for a day. Did you hug Jackson like this too?”

“Yes. He came in earlier and we hugged him before he could even get through the door,” Bam states.

Mark nods, walking between the two as they head further into the company building. The two goof off and Mark joins in a bit until they reach the others already in the dance room. 

“Aren’t you hot in that long sleeve?” Jackson frowns as he takes in Mark’s attire.

“Bro, did you forget Mark gets cold easily? The wind will barely blow and Mark will shiver like a leaf. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t end up in a hoodie later on,” Bam replies.

“Bam!” Youngjae smacks his chest and then it clicks.

“Ah shit, you actually did forget! My bad,” he winces as he apologizes.

Youngjae and Yugyeom now proceed to tease Bam and it makes Jackson laugh. Jinyoung eyes Mark but as soon as they make eye contact, Jinyoung looks away with sass. Mark grips the hem of his pants, trying to not let it bother him. The material of his long sleeve rubs on the cuts hidden underneath. Making the bandages scrape and the cuts burn and itch which reminds Mark to not upset anyone. He can do that. He can be good. He can be useful. 

“Hey you, did you sleep well? You never texted me yesterday.”

Mark sees Jaebum approaching his side and looks up to him,

“I’m sorry. I fell asleep as soon as I got home.” 

Jinyoung narrows his eyes but doesn’t comment. And sweet Jackson tries to help out.

“We had so much fun yesterday that you wouldn’t believe! He didn’t get home till late because of how long we talked.”

Jaebum’s expression changes before he coughs to clear his throat,

“Are you cold? Did you want my hoodie?” 

Mark shakes his head. He doesn’t want to burden anyone anymore. He doesn’t want to seem needy. He wants to show he can handle himself. He’s not clingy. He’s responsible. He can be good. He won’t bother anyone. He can follow in line. He can do what he needs to do. He can still be a team member.

“I’m sure I’ll warm up during practice. Shall we begin?”

Youngjae lets out a noise cause he wants to be lazy today but he gets into position with the rest of them. And Jinyoung was honestly surprised. Mark didn’t complain once. Didn’t take a break when they took a break. Didn’t say anything about a headache or wanted to throw up. Didn’t even look like he was drunk yesterday. Even helping others with certain moves and coming up with some that could improve their dance. Pushing himself harder so he wouldn’t be left behind. 

Maybe Mark really did just need a day to get back into things. Because Jinyoung watched as Mark went to Jackson first. Watched as Mark tried to get Jackson to laugh and brought him water and a towel to dry off the sweat with. And Jackson was so happy to know Mark still wanted a relationship with him as the others all saw how Jackson’s day brightened because of Mark. Surely those two were doing well now. Just like old times.

Days going by and Jinyoung kept hearing from Jackson on Mark this and Mark that. Did you know Mark liked this? That he hates this? That he’ll try a food and see if it’s spicy first just for him? That Mark and him have a lot of the same tastes in clothing, music, etc. That Mark answers his texts and calls now. Mark, Mark, Mark. 

Jackson looks so happy too. Just beaming with it now on the daily. It was like old times and it was good to see. And Mark has been doing what he told Jinyoung that Jinyoung honestly thought things were getting better. That Mark was doing better. That he was healing and moving forward as he would laugh and smile. As he would be him around all of them. And it was nice, so nice as this is how things should be. All of them together and happy. But even though he’s an actor himself, he was fooled by Mark’s perfect mask he set up. Just like the others were. All until a certain day where it actually settled in what Mark’s words meant. That Jinyoung fully understood and knew he was in the wrong. That he should’ve handled things differently. That him and the others should’ve never listened to his, ‘I’m doing fine’ and left him alone. That he never should’ve told Jaebum to let Mark have some space so him and Jackson could get close again. Because what he thought was happening in front of him, was not what was really going on behind closed doors. And it was like a slap to the face when Jackson had come to the company building that morning…

“Um...why is she here?” Bam asks nervously.

His eyes going from Jackson and Sandra’s face to the two of them holding hands as they stood before them. Yugyeom’s speechless as his hands are still up like he’s holding his phone still but he’s long since dropped it the moment the two came into the practice room. Youngjae’s smile falling slowly as he’s piecing things together. Jinyoung standing there like he just found out who the killer was all this time. As he’s already thinking straight to Mark who hasn’t arrived yet and looking to Jaebum who's also in shock. Because everything had been going so well. Mark and Jackson were getting so close that they were obviously together again, right? Both were so happy and hanging off the other. Being just like they were back then. So open and loving...so...oh god---

“Guys, now don’t freak out and please don’t be upset as I’ve told Yien first but it’s actually thanks to Yien that I had the courage to do this and I’m so glad I did. Because he helped me make the move and get lucky to be with such a beautiful woman.”

Jackson says this as he’s still holding her hand and looking at her with a warm loving expression. With heart eyes looking at her and only her. As Sandra smiles back and blushes in response as he squeezes their intertwined hands together and waits for him to finish,

“But I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I knew I couldn’t let her slip out of my fingers so I confessed and I’m happy to announce that we’re officially dating and have been for quite some time now...but I wanted to tell you guys first before we go public with it.”

“You’re kidding right?” Youngjae voices before he can stop himself. 

It comes off a bit rude and upset but like, is this for real? Jackson really-

“Yes, I’m serious. I know I said I wanted to keep my career as number one priority but I fell in love and she’s much more important-” Jackson starts to explain as he looks at them in confusion.

He thought they would be happy for him. Just like how Mark was so encouraging and helpful. He thought they too would share in the joy. Would smile and congratulate him like Mark did.

“No, no, this isn’t right. This isn’t-” Yugyeom starts to fret as he begins to whine.

“Dude this isn’t cool,” Bam states, highly upset.

Sandra doesn’t like how this is going, starting to shy away as she looks to Jackson,

“Babe, maybe I should-”

“No, stay. I don’t understand. Yien was so happy for us just last night when we went over-”

Jinyoung’s heart is beating fast as everything is settling in. As Mark’s words, the text he showed him hits him and hits him hard. And he’s moving, grabbing Jaebum’s arm,

“Mark, we need to find Mark right now, Jaebum-”

And Jaebum is already taking off, knowing it’s a red flag that Mark isn’t there yet. Knowing the clock is ticking as his gut is screaming at him that he needed to find Mark right now. That he shouldn’t have fought with his instincts and went over to see him last night. That he should’ve kept seeing him. That he shouldn’t have held back. Then maybe, maybe Mark wouldn’t have gotten this bad...that he wouldn’t have thought to end it all...

Please answer me...please...Mark-

Jaebum dials Mark’s phone, hoping, praying that Mark will answer. That it wasn’t too late…


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Proceed with caution!

It was early. The sun wasn’t even up yet as Mark stood out on the rooftop balcony. Just looking down at the sleeping city as others were slowly waking up to start their day. 

What was the point? Why bother? To go another day of the same routine, the same pain. It wouldn’t get better. It wasn’t gonna change what he couldn’t stop. It was gonna be constant. Every day...he’ll be there. Every day he’ll hear about her. Every day he’ll see him being happy with her. Every day he’ll be reminded that he wasn’t the one. That he was the problem. That his love had been tainting him. That no one wanted his love. That no one wanted to love him. He was a freak. An utter mess. A mental case. He only bothered people. He only got in the way. Draining people. Stressing them. Making them unhappy. And this was something Mark already knew. His words sent to Jackson that day were more than enough proof. 

He can’t even smile, he's so broken. 

‘I’m fine’

Jackson was so happy. So excited to come to his home and tell him she said yes. Bringing here with him and she was so happy too. 

He didn’t have the heart to tell her she couldn’t have him. That Jackson was still his. That they hadn’t even officially broken up. But he swallowed down those words as he saw how truly happy the alpha was. How her love was doing things his love couldn’t. He couldn’t be selfish. He hurt Jackson for too long. Held on for dear life instead of letting go. Pushing so hard to make things work. 

It was time to let him go…

‘I’m fine’

Jaebum’s words came to him and he was right. Mark just wanted him to be happy…

He just wished it was with him. That he was able to have someone to go through life with. That he could be the reason for someone’s happiness. That he could do what she was doing. 

But he won’t do that to him. He won’t hold him back anymore. No matter how much it hurts. No matter if he’s not there to help him get through it all. No matter how much he needs him. Wants him. 

He just can’t keep hiding it. He can’t keep pretending. No matter how much he says it. No matter how much he tries, the emotions keep rising to the surface. Keep trying to come out. The cuts became more and more, even now as blood slowly drips and cakes down his arms. But he’s afraid they’ll come a day where it’ll all come out. Where he might ruin Jackson’s happiness. 

He’s just in the way. He’ll only hold him back. He’ll only hold the others back. 

‘You’re better off dead. Your alpha doesn’t love you anymore. No one will love you. You can’t be her. You don’t deserve to be happy. You’re only in the way. Stop getting in the way. Stop worrying everyone. Stop hurting them. You keep holding them back. You’re weak. You’re useless. No one wants you! Kill yourself...kill yourself...end it all…’

It’s like he’s underwater. Static all around him while he’s both numb yet in so much pain at the same time. It’s hard to describe unless you’ve been in this moment. It’s hard to understand the bad thoughts and that ugly voice in your head. One that sounds like another person and yet it’s you who’s saying it. It’s you who feels that way. Tearing apart yourself. Hating on you like no other could. The one that’s always there when you’re alone. The second you’re alone. And it always comes out and right now it’s so loud. So so loud…

Mark continues to look down as he stands on the edge.

He just wanted it to stop. All the pain. These thoughts. These feelings. Emotions. The world itself. He just wants five minutes of nothing. Just wants to close his eyes and feel the wind beneath him and maybe then...maybe then he can fly. Maybe then everyone will be happy. 

Maybe the world didn’t mean to have him in it. Maybe he really was a mistake. Maybe the world would be better without him in it…

Mark closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath, the tears falling without him realizing and he’s lifting his foot---

He didn’t hear the sounds of cars below. The honking and the bright lights of the stop and go. He didn’t hear people coming and going through the apartment buildings around. He didn’t hear the birds chirping or babies crying. Or even that one business man upset on an important phone call. But he did hear something. Music. 

Where was it coming from? 

His foot goes back down, his eyes opening and he’s so tired. So fucking tired but yet there’s that little light inside him that still trying to flicker. The one that’s so close to going out and yet fighting to hold on. To remain lit. 

The static is still so loud but it’s like the music is growing. Trying to compete with it as Mark searches for the source. His hands moving until he finds it in his pocket.

Oh, it’s a ringtone. 

One he put to tell which member would be calling...and it’s Jaebum.

His heart clenches, doing this weird thing and bringing up an emotion that he’s not sure of. Something that wants him to cling. To reach out. But he’ll just be a burden. He’ll just ruin his life too-

But Jaebum said whatever he needed, he’d be there. He’d do it.

But Jaebum wouldn’t want him. No one wants him--

The call goes to voicemail as Mark is having an internal battle with himself. His bad thoughts are winning now that the music isn’t playing anymore, but then only seconds go by before it starts over again. This time, it’s like the music is louder. Drawing him in to answer it. Seeing Jaebum’s name on the screen as Mark’s hand shakes while holding it. 

‘Don’t answer it’

‘Answer it’

‘He doesn’t want you’

‘Why is he calling then?’

Jackson must’ve gone and told them. It should be about that time. The same time he should’ve already been there. So why is Jaebum calling? To see why he isn’t there? To ask if he knows? 

Suddenly texts are coming through at the same time. Appearing on the screen over Jaebum’s name from the others,

Yugyeom: Hyung where are you? Please answer

Youngjae: Mark hyung I love you. You know that, right? Please answer

Bam: Bro please answer. I’m worried about you. We all miss you. We need you

Jinyoung: I’m so sorry, Mark. I’m so stupid. I was wrong. I was so wrong. Please answer Jaebum. Please tell us you’re alive. Please don’t leave.

As if on cue, the phone is ringing again and Mark finds himself moved by their words that he finds his fingers pressing the answer button and puts the phone up to his ear,

“Bummie…”

“Mark! Please tell me where you are! Please I’m...I need to see you...I’m at your house but you’re not coming to the door. I can’t...please let me see you…”

Mark can hear how frantic Jaebum is. How panicked and worried. The sound of the front door handle jingling before what sounds like Jaebum trying to break in and then a whine at the end as he’s becoming desperate.

It makes more emotions rise to the surface for Mark. Making more tears come as Jaebum sounds like he is fighting for him to be alive but he’s so broken. Why would Jaebum do that? It has to be him having wishful thinking. Hoping and being greedy. But then why does it sound like he is trying to save him? Why does it sound like he’s trying so hard? Did he really come to find him? Did he really care?

“But he doesn’t love me anymore...I’m not her...I can’t be her…no one wants me…”

Mark sounds so defeated. His voice so tiny and full of hurt. Jaebum feels his chest ache so bad. Feels the need to find Mark right now and hold him. He needs to find him. He needs to--

“You don’t need to be her and I don’t want you to be her. I want you as you are. I want you!” 

Jaebum can hear background noise that leads him to believe Mark is outside somewhere. But where? His car is still here. 

Jaebum turns around from the front door of Mark’s apartment as he’s trying to think of places the omega could’ve gone when he notices a neon sign above another door down the hallway. One that signals as an exit with a person walking on stairs. 

It’s like a punch to the gut and Jaebum takes off toward the doors as he can hear Mark’s voice. As he can hear the tears and a broken soul that just wants to be loved.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better. Who would love me? My parents didn’t...Jackson doesn’t...who will?”

“I will! And I’m not just saying that. Let me prove it to you. Let me show you.”

Jaebum’s breathing is picking up as he races up the stairs. As his heart is beating so fast and he’s reaching the top. Reaching the door and opening it. It’s like in a movie as Mark turns to look at him. As he’s still standing there on the edge with little hope and light left as he’s tired of fighting with his demons. Jaebum about drops his phone as his heart almost stops from Mark being so close to the edge. Everything in him wanting to pull Mark down and safely into his arms.

“Mark-”

Jaebum watches as Mark puts the phone away, afraid one slip and he’ll fall.

“Bummie there’s no use trying to save me. I’m not worth it-”

“Don’t say that.” 

Jaebum can feel his own emotions rising as he slowly takes a step forward. As he’s not holding back now. He’s gonna show Mark everything he’s been holding back. 

“You’re more than worth it. You have no idea how much you mean to me. How much I’ve been holding back because I wanted you to be happy. How I didn’t intervene because I thought you were happy. But I want to show you what you mean to me through my eyes. I want to show you how I see you. How you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. How you have the biggest heart and kind soul. How you’re so fucking strong for trying to keep going. Trying to take it one day at a time when everything tries to beat you down. And I mean it when I say that I understand you because I’ve been walking in the same shoes and watching the love of my life loving someone else. And that person doesn’t even realize I’ve been loving them all this time. That I’ve been right in front of them and trying to hold back for so long. No matter how many times I’ve been told to give up. No matter the pain or torture. It’s worth it. You’re worth it. Because I love you and if it’s not you then I don’t want anyone else.”

Jaebum’s crying himself. His face showing such raw emotion as he hates that Mark is hurting so much. As he wishes he could take his pain away. All on top of his own hurt that he’s been holding down for Mark’s sake. All of it comes out as Jaebum reaches his hand out and slowly takes more steps forward. His eyes not wavering as he holds Mark’s gaze. As Mark is falling apart right with him, his words reaching him.

“But what if I ruin you too? What if my love destroys you in the end?” 

Jaebum shakes his head as he gets closer. Slowly, bit by bit.

“Those moments with you are the best days of my life. That short time we spent made me crave for more. Made me fall for you harder and harder. In fact, you saved me without even knowing. You made me want to get better. To be a better person so I could protect you and the others. So I could become a better man that could lead us all to our goals and dreams. Your love and soul that you’ve been showing me since I first met you has made me into who I am today. So let your love destroy me because it’ll be the happiest I’ll ever be.”

It’s like that dark thoughts are silent for once. Like they too never heard someone say something like that before. He’s used to being too much. Loving too hard. Too sensitive. A fuck up. Too many issues. He’s used to someone pushing him away. He’s used to them giving up on him. He’s used to them saying he needs help. He needs to be fixed. He needs to change. To go away. But then Jaebum is different. Telling him he helps him. He wants him. That he doesn’t need to change. That he wants to remain by his side. That he understands him. That he still wants to love him. After everything...he still wants him. Still reaching out to him. Not wanting to let go. 

Can he really just take his hand and things will eventually get better? Will the pain eventually go away too? 

“What if I fall?” Mark asks as his hand is raising up slowly.

As he’s already instinctively moving closer to the alpha and away from the edge.

“Then I’ll be there to catch you. I told you. I’m always gonna be there. Whenever you need me. Wherever it may be. And however you need me, I’m here. So let me be the will to live for you. Until you can find your own reason, live for me. Lean on me. Take my energy. Feel my happiness and love until you find your own again. Until you can love yourself like I love you. Until you can see yourself from how I see you. And even after that, I’ll still be here, regardless if you fall or not.”

Those eyes are so passionate and determined. Shining with so many emotions as the alpha brushes his fingers against Mark’s. It’s like a spark inside of him happens and he can feel that warmth trying to seep in. And then Jaebum is tugging, pulling him off the edge of the balcony and it’s like the numbness and static goes away. The sobs come forth as the pain sets in full force but Jaebum is there holding him. Both going down to their knees as Jaebum holds him tightly in his arms and tells him how happy he was that he didn’t jump. Thanking the heavens that he’s still alive. Where in between the sobs, Jaebum is crying with him. Rocking them back and forth and telling him it’ll be ok one day. Running fingers through his hair and nuzzling close as the sun was beginning to rise behind them. As if trying to show Mark that he can always begin again…


	9. Chapter 9

“Are they gonna be mad?” 

Mark sits on the toilet with the lid down as he grips his sweats and gnaws on his lip. He looks so worried and anxious as he didn’t want to upset anyone. 

“Mad? No, they’re happy.”

“Happy?” Mark’s head jolts up.

Those broken eyes meeting Jaebum’s in shock. Jaebum’s expression softens as he comes closer with the first aid kit and some warm rags. 

“Yes. They’re happy you’re alive. In fact as we speak, they’re already taking care of everything so that you can take all the time you need as they’ll happily wait for your return. And if you’re up for it, they really want to come by to see you. I’m afraid if you say no though, they might stake outside until you’re ready.”

Tears begin to well up in Mark’s eyes again and a low whine to come forth.

“They really care about you just like I do. We all just want you to be happy and healthy and help in any way that we can,” Jaebum continues as he kneels down in front of Mark and squeezes his hand.

Mark tries to wipe at the tears that keep coming with his free hand. He feels so empty right now but knowing the others care and love him helps to fill him little by little. He can’t get the words out as a sob comes forth, but he’s nodding as he wants to see them. 

Fingers run through his hair as Jaebum lets him cry it out once more. Letting him have his moment as he waits patiently. Just remaining close and comforting him through touch and encouraging him to continue letting it out. And when Mark latches on, he lets him. His heart swells at knowing Mark is leaning on him. That he’s letting him be this close and see him this open and vulnerable. And when no more tears come forth after a while, Mark can feel the alpha gently cleaning his face. His fingers caressing his skin and wiping away the drying tears before a nice warm cloth comes to freshen him up.

“I’m still gonna look like shit, Bummie,” Mark tries to joke.

He feels like shit and is really tired. He knows he had snot too and is a hot mess right now. And yet, Jaebum just smiles at him and his eyes go so warm while he looks right at him and without skipping a beat,

“You always look beautiful to me.”

God, this alpha was too sweet and perfect. Always knowing what to say. What to do. Mark really doesn’t know what he did to deserve someone like Jaebum in his life.

“You can literally have anyone you know. You’d make a great husband and yet here you are dealing with me.”

Jaebum hums as he’s listening to Mark while he starts tending to the omega’s wounds. Slowly rolling the sleeves up to expose the makeshift bandages that Mark hastily put on this morning before giving up. Before he was ready to give up on life too.

“But I don’t want just anyone. I want you and you may find this weird but I enjoy taking care of you. I like knowing I can help you. That I can provide for you and keep you safe and healthy. And I hope I can make you happy in some way too. So this is like a dream come true to me, just under different circumstances.” 

Mark can’t help but stare at the alpha as he speaks about things he’s kept deep inside him. How sincere and genuine they’re spoken that lets Mark know he’s not just saying this to make him feel better. 

“You dream about me?” Mark lets out quietly and shyly as he can’t imagine someone wanting that with him. 

That someone actually wants him. 

“I do,” Jaebum states with a flush growing on his cheeks. 

He gets a bit bashful as he ducks his head and searches through the first aid kit before continuing,

“I um...I often find myself daydreaming about doing domestic things. You know, like cooking together, living together, going on dates or just being around one another. We don’t even have to be talking, I just want to be by your side and seeing you smile and laugh. And oh, like with the time we shared a bowl of cereal together, that was one of the things I wished to do and was able to do it. It really made me happy. God, I sound like a dork,” Jaebum sighs toward the end as he realizes it sounds so weird out loud than in his head with his imagination.

But Mark doesn’t tease him. He doesn’t laugh either and though he might not be smiling, he reaches out to brush fingers along Jaebum’s arm,

“Thank you…” 

Mark may be broken and feel empty but he still cares about Jaebum and he still appreciates it. He wishes he could give more emotion. That he could go back in time and maybe, just maybe they would’ve fallen in love together instead. Maybe things could’ve been so different. So so different. 

Jaebum takes Mark’s hand and lifts it up to press soft kisses to his long since healed knuckles,

“It’s ok. You don’t have to respond and please don’t feel the need to apologize as I can see it written on your face right now. No one can help who they fall in love with, but they can choose how they go about it and I chose this of my own free will. And I’ll never regret a single moment but cherish it instead. I’m also not doing this expecting you to fall for me. I just want to help you love yourself. I want to show you life is worth living with my only goal being with you happy in the end. So just humor me for a while because I might become a big dork at times but I can’t help it. It’s who I am and you’ve already seen how dorky I can be when I’m around all of you.”

“I miss those moments...back where we were all happy and ourselves. I wanna have more of them.” 

“And you will. We all will. It may not be today or tomorrow. But we will have more of those moments I promise.”

Mark holds onto those words. He lets the scent of the alpha surround him as he latches onto the warmth being given to him. As he continues to lean on him. 

“Can I?” Jaebum asks after a moment of the two just taking time to breathe.

He doesn’t want to rush or push too far. He wants to go at Mark’s pace. He wants to know what he can and can’t do. He may want to help and do what’s best for Mark but there are still things he knows not to cross unless he has permission. And something like this is very close and intimate. Something that should be sought with help but Jaebum doesn’t want to scare the omega. He doesn’t want to force him into a situation that can be very traumatizing or make him shut down. That could make it worse. He’s also in the public eye and he doesn’t want word to get out either unless Mark wanted to come forth and talk about it. He doesn’t want to take those actions unless Mark wants to. Not like how his parents went about it. Because yes, hospitals and places out there can genuinely help but forcing someone to go, or making them feel trapped or unwanted or more like a burden and such is not the way to do it. It does more harm then good. And until Mark tells him otherwise, Jaebum is gonna help the omega in his own way. By loving him. 

Mark watches as Jaebum is careful to not touch the bandages yet as he stretches out the omega’s one arm to show what he wants to do. Already, drying blood had caked through the dirty bandages that Jaebum wants to treat and change. But doing so would show the many inner ‘scars’ that Mark has been trying to hide. The demons he’s been fighting for so long. 

“You won’t get mad?” 

Jaebum’s heart clenches painfully in his chest as he knows this means he’s done this before. That most likely in the past and either his parents or someone had seen them and made him feel worse for doing it. And it compels him to want to connect. To make himself as open and vulnerable with Mark as he has been with him. 

“My father used to beat me when I was younger. When he’d get mad, drunk or not, he’d leave bruises all over my body. Until my mother left him, I used to be afraid of when he would get mad. Afraid of doing something that would trigger him.” 

“Bummie…” Mark had no idea, no one did.

But Jaebum still gives him a reassuring smile, “It took a long time to get over that but my step father helped me understand that not all fathers are like that. That it wasn’t me that was the problem...I just happened to be the outlet my father took it out on trying to deal with his own issues. So let me show you how it should’ve gone. Let me show you how powerful love can truly be.”

Jaebum can feel his heart melting as Mark is already crying again. How Mark is clinging to his arms to try and comfort him from something that happened long ago. How the omega is crying for him and it just makes Jaebum love him even more. For Mark is already hurting so much and yet he still cares for others deeply. And Jaebum wants to protect this pure soul. He wants to cherish him and help him blossom back into how he should be. Back to himself. 

Mark nods before holding out his arms. Jaebum is careful in between Mark’s hiccups as the bandages are soon coming off and revealing the cuts underneath. Where some are fresh and some old. Where some are already almost completely healed and others on the way. Where some are days old to just yesterday and to this very morning. They’re all from months worth since that day he found out about Jackson liking Sandra. 

Mark’s breath hitches as more tears fall while gauging Jaebum’s reaction. Where the cuts never hurt like they do now. As he sees that it hurts the alpha to see them. As his fingers ghost over them softly, it’s like a sting going straight to his heart that tightens each time and having to swallow down a cry that wants to come out now. Jaebum isn’t mad nor does he get upset. But his eyes are so expressive with raw pain and wishing he could’ve taken Mark’s pain away before this. That he could’ve been here to stop it. 

“You needed me and I wasn’t there,” Jaebum starts with his tone laced with his own sadness.

Mark goes to say something but Jaebum beats him to it. He gently lifts one of Mark’s arms as he declares,

“But I’m here now.” 

He’s soon pressing a kiss to the cuts. Starting from the oldest as he slowly makes his way to the newest one. The one closest to his wrist. Not caring about the dried blood. Not caring if it may seem dirty. And with each kiss, it takes Mark’s breath away just to instill new life into him with the next breath taken. As if trying to perform CPR to kickstart his heart so he’ll open his eyes and not be taken away. Each gentle touch bringing warmth to his cold body and thawing out the numbness. Seeing tears sliding down the alpha’s face making Mark emotional. Making him feel things he hasn’t felt in a long time. Making him want to try. Making him want to hold on. That by the time Jaebum does the same thing on his other arm, Mark is ready to explode as his emotions are rising up to the surface once more,

“I’m not fine...it hurts...it hurts Bummie...make it stop...I wanna...I wanna get better...Make me better...please…”

Where before when Mark would clean his cuts or bandage them, he didn’t feel it as strongly. Yes, there was pain as the reminder that he’s still alive. The pain there to help block out the other pain but it never hurt this much. Like the pain in his heart, the pain was tenfold and being how it should’ve been when he first cut himself. Where his body is signaling to his mind that he’s hurting. That he shouldn’t be doing this. That this wasn’t ok. And it hurts. It hurts so much. He doesn’t want Jaebum to cry. He doesn’t want to hurt the alpha. 

Jaebum’s expression shows all his feelings as he watches Mark pleading with him. As he feels more and more of how Mark wants to fight to continue living and get better. How he wants to find himself again and it was both hard to watch as well as joyful to see. Because that means he didn’t completely lose Mark. That Mark was still in there. That Mark was ready to try and heal. 

“I got you baby, I got you. Come here,” Jaebum lets out as he’s just as emotional.

Mark is already clinging on at the same time of Jaebum pulling him into his lap. Mark sobbing away into Jaebum’s neck as he struggles to breathe through his cries. As his whole body heaves from the force of emotions he’s kept down for so long,

“I don’t want to be like this...I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize baby. Let it out. Let it all out. You’re safe with me and you don’t know how happy I am to hear you want to get better. That’s the first step in doing just that and from here on out I’ll be right here. Every step of the way. We can even go somewhere. Just you and me. Just get away for a while. I think it’ll do you some good too. Just trust me ok? Let me take care of you.”

Mark clings tighter and he manages to get out a choked, ‘ok’ before another sob comes forth. Jaebum rocks Mark back and forth the whole time. Touching him in a soothing manner as he praises him for how good he’s doing. Comforting him until he can calm down again and even after, he keeps Mark in his arms. Nuzzling close as he’s careful with treating Mark’s wounds. Helping to bandage them after everything is cleaned. And like with the new bandages wrapped around his arms to help the process of Mark’s cuts to heal; Jaebum remains wrapped around Mark to help mend his soul and heal his broken heart…

By the time the others came by, you could tell how much Mark had been crying. How puffy and red his eyes were and how tired he looked from being drained mentally. He didn’t say much either but he didn't have to say anything as the others were just happy to see him alive. To know they still had a chance to do something and let Mark know that he was loved.

No one brought up Jackson or Sandra. No one talked about him being up on the rooftop either. Jaebum had talked about it in the group chat to let everyone know the gist of it and the others felt it best to not keep bringing it up. That they just want to bring up the good memories that wouldn’t hurt or be painful for Mark. But give him hope and more energy to look forward to more of those days. After many hugs and having to pry the others off Mark, they went home for the night as Mark was becoming a bit overwhelmed. He’s been through a lot and they understood. Told him to take all the time he needed. To text or call whenever. To not worry about the company or anything else but himself right now and that they would handle it. 

You could tell Jinyoung wanted to say more. To apologize more properly but he knew best to wait a while until things were looking up more. He did make sure to hug Mark extra long and tell him how much he values their relationship and loves him. And when the time is right and Mark is up for it, he’s gonna apologize properly and ask for forgiveness. 

Yugyeom and Bam left many gifts from Mark’s favorite snacks and drinks as well as new headphones and such. Youngjae and Jinyoung brought flowers and stuffed animals that you would’ve thought it was a birthday party of some kind that now littered Mark’s apartment. 

It really did help. He still felt heavy but there was a fraction of it being lifted up to where he felt like he could breathe. That he can do this. That maybe it will really be worth it if he keeps going. That maybe the others really do care and love him and he needs to get rid of his bad thoughts. Needs to learn how to not listen to them. And to listen to his loved ones instead. 

Jaebum comes back into the living room to find Mark snuggling on the couch with a giant stuffed piggy that was squishy while being engulfed by the alpha’s hoodie. It was an adorable sight to see that made his heart swell with more emotion. Where he can’t help but tear up at the thought that he almost didn’t get to see this. That he almost didn’t get to hear Mark’s voice again. To see him alive. To have more moments with him.

He swore he wouldn’t cry either. Swore he’d be strong for Mark dammit because Mark needed someone strong. But even the strongest can’t help but get emotional when someone they really love was almost gone forever. And having the others show up and all have the same expressions of relief and wanting to take in every moment as if it would be the last...it got to him. It made it more real of what occurred just this morning. Or what could’ve been if he had been a moment later. If he hadn't called. If Jackson had never come in with Sandra. They all could’ve gone on with practice and then it would’ve been too late. They would’ve found out afterwards and--

“Bummie?” 

Jaebum hears Mark’s voice and he can’t help it as the tears burst through like a dam and his voice cracks as he looks right at the omega,

“I’m so fucking glad you’re alive...you have no idea…”

He can’t get out more words as he chokes on them. As his shoulders heave and he tries to cover his face cause he doesn’t want to upset Mark but dammit he can’t stop it. He can’t stop these strong emotions and feelings.

The moment fingers brush against his arms, Jaebum is dropping his to pull Mark in close. Mark latches onto the front of his shirt and Jaebum wraps him up tightly, burying his face into the crook of Mark’s neck. Breathing in his scent. Soaking up his warmth and trying to put it all into his memory. Mark was the love of his life. He grounded him. Gave him strength. Brought him so many things that Mark doesn’t even realize. And he just needed this moment. Needed to grasp that Mark is still alive. He didn’t lose him…

And he doesn’t want to lose him ever. The more he talked with the others through group chat, the more they all agreed that Mark needed to get away for a while. That he should go somewhere without Jackson around. Without social media or where a lot of people would know him. Just go out and find himself; be reborn again. 

And he knows he’s a leader and that he should remain here but he can’t leave Mark’s side. He knows he should talk to Jackson because it’s not his fault that he forgot nor is it his fault that he fell in love either, but he doesn’t want to cause more stress to Mark. Doesn’t want to keep bringing up the past as he knows Jackson would feel like utter shit if he found out Mark tried to kill himself. Would feel like utter shit that he had forgotten him and Mark were together. So they want to keep him out of this. To come up with something and let Jackson finish recovering. That if he wants to be with Sandra, they shouldn’t stop that because he deserves happiness too. But right now, Mark being around that wouldn’t be good for him. So while the others stayed here to handle things, Jaebum would take care of Mark. Until Mark could come back and it wouldn’t hurt again. Because it wasn’t just mentally, it was physically too. Jackson may have not claimed Mark but he still imprinted on him over the years. And with Jackson being so distant to then not remembering and then being around all the time but basically teasing and tormenting as he didn’t know they were supposed to be a couple; it’s gonna take a huge toll on him. Where even though Mark knows in his heart that he can’t have Jackson anymore, his body will still react to him. Will still crave him. Want him. Make him feel like he needs him. Mark needs to get away and for that to happen, he needs to get away from Korea. Somewhere that Jackson won’t even go. 

“Will you come with me? Let me take you somewhere. Just for a little while. Can I do that?” 

He’s hoping Mark will say yes. That he can show Mark that he doesn’t need Jackson. That he can help Mark truly love himself again. Whatever it takes. However long--

“I’ll go…”

Mark wraps his arms around Jaebum’s back as he nuzzles closer, wanting nothing more than to make Jaebum happy. He’s done so much for him. So, so much for him. 

“Thank you,” Jaebum whispers into his ear.

Neither let go as they stand in the living room. Both holding on to the other as if afraid the other will disappear if they let go…

“According to reports, Got7 is going to focus on more solo activities for a while as members are dealing with personal matters. As for what those personal matters are, the people are asked to respect the members and give them their privacy. Just know that Got7 are not disbanding and will be back to create the music that you all will love in due time. They also stated that they love and appreciated all the fans that have supported them till now and hope they’ll wait for them when they return.”

The news plays on a T.V. in the background of the airport but goes unheard as it’s crowded and busy. Mark’s nerves are going, anxiety rising as those dark thoughts try to as well. Doing this was a sudden move. Doing this made him feel like he was running away. That he should stay. That he was a coward. The many what if’s filling his mind as well. 

He was growing nervous, his heart beat picking up. 

This was a big step. Doing this when his mind tells him no. Doing this as his heart knows he should. That he wants to get better. 

‘Selfish. Useless. Your alpha doesn’t want you, no one wants-’

Mark’s thoughts are cut off as he feels a hand brush against his. As he feels fingers slowly intertwine with his own before firming grasping his hand. The warmth seeping into his skin and helping him to lift his head. Jaebum’s giving him energy. Encouraging him. Telling him he can do this. Those wild and passionate eyes ready to fight with him. To help lead and guide him where he needs to go. To help him get back on his feet again. 

“You got this, Mark. I’m so proud of you for taking this step. For coming with me. You’re so brave for doing this. So strong.” 

It’s like for the first time the bad thoughts are blocked out. Like all he can hear are Jaebum’s words instead. And for once, he finds his nerves going away. He finds himself calming from just holding the alpha’s hand. From just leaning into his side and letting Jaebum be his shield. 

And as he boarded the plane, not once did Jaebum let go of his hand.

And as he sat there waiting for the plane to depart, he managed to see the bright sky that awaits him...


	10. Chapter 10

Mark stands outside the hotel balcony. The sun is high up in the sky with few clouds as birds chirp about and the bustling of the city is below. The buildings are even unique in structure with all kinds of different designs that differed from Korea and America. 

The warmth of the sun beats down on Mark but he doesn’t feel it. He still feels so empty. So lost. It’s like even though the scenery has changed, it hasn’t changed how damaged he is. How broken his heart beats as he’s missing someone like crazy. Missing someone who doesn’t love him anymore. Someone who is probably with her right now. But Mark wouldn’t know. He can only imagine. Could only go by his thoughts as Jaebum has his phone. As Jaebum has been keeping him away from social media and any contact with Jackson. 

Mark tries to take a deep breath; closing his eyes to get away but Jackson appears there too. No matter where he goes. He always ends up thinking about him. Yearning for him. Still wanting his love. His touch--

Hands come to brush along his sides and it makes Mark jump. His eyes come open as he’s trying to pull away, like the touch is bad. Like it isn’t Jackson. But the person gives him a few seconds before trying again. Mark lets out an uncomfortable noise in response but not on purpose. He doesn’t like feeling like this. Where his touch is like molten lava instead of a steady burning fire. It used to not be like this, but then again, back then when he touched him, the omega was so touch starved and Jackson had been so distant. He had been slowly getting used to not having his alpha around so another alpha could touch and it wouldn’t be so bad. But now he has to go through it all over again. Relearning how to live without Jackson. Knowing that this time, there was no one day of getting back together. Of receiving his love once again. 

“I’m sorry,” Mark says as he’s trying to fight with himself to remain close.

Everything keeps telling him to move away but his heart wants to latch on. Wants to lean on this alpha.

“It’s the imprinting,” the alpha tells him as he’s slowly trying to get Mark used to him touching again. 

Just a brush of fingers along his side that send chills of warning up Mark’s spine. Telling Mark this alpha is a threat. That he’s too close. Being too touchy. Too intimate. Not Jackson. Not his alpha.

“It’s still not fair to you,” Mark replies as the alpha has done nothing but help him.

Has been by his side and is still so kind of caring. Such a gentleman as he’s patient and helping him one step at a time. 

“Bummie…” Mark lets out as Jaebum slowly, gently wraps his arms around the omega from behind.

“It’s not fair to you either,” Jaebum tells him back as it takes a long moment for Mark to stop wiggling.

Where Jaebum wishes Mark could get comfort from his touch again. Where he can touch Mark freely and it leaves the same effect that Jackson’s touch does. That he could lay his own imprint over Mark instead but he won’t go that far. He’s not here to force Mark into anything. He’s here to help Mark heal and love himself again. Not fall in love with him. 

Though one can still dream, right? 

Mark’s hands come to cling to Jaebum’s arms, nails digging in but the alpha doesn’t let go. Taking the pain as Mark’s body may be saying no but Mark’s voice tells him otherwise,

“But it’s been a few days now. You even brought me to Paris of all places...I don’t think it’s gonna work.”

“That’s because we’ve been holed up inside. We should go out today. Go sightseeing. Let me take you out.”

“What if someone recognizes us though?”

“That’s one of the reasons I took you here but even if someone did, I don’t mind. It makes me happy being with you.” 

Ever since a few days ago and Mark stood on the rooftop, Jaebum hasn’t missed a chance at telling Mark how he makes him feel. Letting him know with words and actions. With touch and his expressions. Not once getting upset when it’s not returned. Not once getting deterred or feeling defeated. He just keeps doing it. Letting it come naturally as the day that goes by. And he really looks genuinely happy just being by his side that Mark doesn’t understand.

How could someone be happy with him? When he’s so broken and a mess. When he’s still in love with Jackson and dealing with his imprint and yet...Jaebum still loves him. 

“Come, I’ll take you to this one restaurant I’ve been wanting to bring you to,” Jaebum lets out excitedly as he tugs on Mark’s hand softly.

“But…” Mark is still nervous.

Already his nerves are rising as he thinks of what could happen. Those bad thoughts trying to come forth to the surface as well but Jaebum stops them before they can. His smile blocking them out as his eyes shine with happiness and warmth,

“Just for a while. We can just try. If we find that just stepping outside is enough, at least we took another step. But I’m gonna hand feed you their crepes one day. I know you’re gonna love it.”

Jaebum keeps pulling Mark, leading him toward the bathroom,

“You’ve already gotten so far. I’m so proud of you. You not only got out of bed today but you also went out on the balcony instead of being holed up in the hotel room which is huge! So just a little bit more. Just humor me as I’ll no doubt be stopping every few seconds to pet another stray cat.”

Mark’s mouth twitches at that because the last statement was so true. When they had arrived and were walking to find their hotel, Jaebum kept seeing one cat after the next. Instantly the alpha would coo and talk all sweetly to them as he begged for their attention. He even has photos of them saved on the camera he brought as well.

“You’re gonna turn into a crazy cat lady by the end of this trip,” Mark teases lightly.

The way Jaebum beams at him makes his heart feel a bit lighter. It gives him more energy as the alpha helps him to brush his teeth and get ready for the day. Even if they’re not gonna do anything later, he still tries to help him do his morning routine. To take a shower and put on new clothes and though Mark doesn’t see the point, he does admit he feels a fraction bit better after he does it…

“Should I carry you?” 

Mark blushes in embarrassment at the thought, 

“No! That’ll draw more attention,” Mark says as he grips the railing of the steps he’s currently on.

“So? It’s just you and me, remember?”

“But we’re two males. They could take pictures. Think we’re a couple and it’ll get out to the media somehow and I don’t want to ruin your life-”

Jaebum goes back up to the last few steps from the hotel entrance and cups Mark’s face to get the omega to look at him,

“Before, back when we were trainees and you wanted to show your love publicly with Jackson, do you remember that? Back before Jackson became paranoid?” 

Mark nods as he does. Back then he had so much confidence. Back then he wanted to shout to the world that he was Jackson’s and Jackson was his. Back then he wanted to kiss the alpha no matter where they were. Wanted to hold his hand and be close. To pull him into his lap or get into his. Back then when they would openly flirt and touch and be intimate...he loved it. He missed it. He craved it still. But Jackson was too paranoid. It needed to be toned down. Kept secret. Love simmers down into a steady stream anyway, Jackson had said once. That they didn’t need to boast about it. To have a neon sign out there. That they’re this far in the relationship so they shouldn’t have to be like it was at the start. Back when teenage hormones were flying and they were younger, still striving to have a career. To obtain their dreams…

But Mark, he still wanted those things. He still needed them. And he felt bad for asking for it. Felt bad for stressing Jackson out about it. Asking for constant reassurance; making Jackson feel like his love wasn’t enough. Like he had to keep giving and giving when he was already giving his all.

“But I was being too much-”

“No, Mark. That was Jackson being a coward. I love him but that wasn’t fair to you. Even for his career’s sake, he shouldn’t have kept the relationship going. He shouldn’t have kept you loving him when he wasn’t all in it. Especially when you were putting him first and he wasn’t doing the same. And I’m not saying he doesn’t love you, but that’s not how love should be. You shouldn’t have to hide how you feel. It’s not something bad. It should feel good to be in love. You should want to show off the other. To talk about them. To encourage them. Wanting to hear the other say they care and love you. That you want to share each other’s company. They’re your other half. They become a part of you. Someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Not taking it to the point where you’re afraid of touching them and upsetting them. Afraid of talking when they’re supposed to be your rock. Someone you can vent to and be open and vulnerable with. All the deepest, darkest, ugliest secrets to give one another. To build each other up, not tear each other apart. So call me a romantic or whatever, but that’s not love.”

Jaebum’s eyes are so wild and passionate as he talks strongly about what he’s feeling deep inside. As it hurts the alpha to see Mark who used to be so confident and wanting to show love openly, be so hurt and scared to do it now. To see how much Jackson unintentionally damaged Mark to this point. And he’s mad at himself for not noticing. For not prying to stop this from happening. Because he would’ve loved Mark so much better. The right way. He wouldn’t have let Mark change a thing about him. He was perfect the way he was. And he’s still so fucking perfect that Jaebum wishes he could make Mark understand that right now. 

“I wanna be seen with you. Hell, if a stranger takes a photo of us right now and thinks we’re a couple, I’d be the happiest man in the world because it's with you. And if it brings hate comments then so be it. If it ‘hinders’ my career then I’ll just work harder to get back where I was because you’re so worth it. But I’m not gonna fake how I feel or who I am just to obtain my goals in life. I’m not. I don’t want to be someone I’m not. And if that means not many like me then so be it, because all I need is you and the others. I don’t need huge fame or money. I never wanted that to begin with. I want to show me and my passions and that includes you. I want to hold your hand, go to places with you, be as affectionate as you’ll let me, tell others how precious and beautiful you are to me and I don’t want to hide it. I’ve only hid it before because I thought you were happy with Jackson but I’m not hiding it anymore. Dammit, I wish I would’ve done something back then even if I didn’t have a chance because then maybe it would’ve prevented this. You deserve so much better, Mark. So damn much more.” 

Mark can hear it in his voice. Can see it on his face that he means those words. That he wishes he could’ve done more. That he can connect with him. To take his pain and those bad thoughts away. To truly make him see himself through his eyes. Hands that wish to hold him. Fingers that want to tug him closer. To make him feel safe and warm. To create memories that’ll overwrite the bad. His love trying desperately to reach out and be returned.

Mark watches as Jaebum has to take a moment to back off and cool down as he knows he can’t. That it’s not his place no matter how much he wishes it could be. And oh how nice it would be, to be loved by an alpha like him. To be able to return those feelings of love. 

It makes Mark want to latch on, to try and feel it. To let it dye into his skin until it becomes a part of him. Wondering if it could overlap with Jackson’s touches. The marks he left behind and engraved into his soul. For Jaebum’s love is so strong. Taking over his fear and worry as a shield Mark wants to be embraced with. That he’d feel alright if Jaebum was the one trying to hold him up. That he wouldn’t abandon him. 

His feet are moving. He’s letting go of the bar as he’s instinctively moving closer to Jaebum. 

He wants to see the world through Jaebum’s eyes. Is it bright? Can he see past the horizon? Is there something to look forward to? Is he really something special to the alpha? 

A hand reaches out before he’s calling his name. Jaebum stops moving and turns around to see Mark about to step off the last step. Jaebum’s eyes go so warm and a fond expression shows on his face as he doesn’t hesitate to meet Mark half way and into his arms. The two remain standing there as Jaebum wraps him up tightly and praises him for being so brave and strong. For doing so well once again and deserves a nice treat. Mark clings back, refusing to let go even as the imprint tells his body to do so. As he takes slow deep breaths of the alpha’s scent and wishing his would affect him like Jackson’s can…

Mark’s hand is sweaty and he keeps looking down shyly so Jaebum takes him down back roads and less crowded areas. Mark likes this better as it’s a lot of nature surrounding them instead and a park bench is their destination. 

“This is the place you wanted to take me?” 

Mark is curious as there are no crepes here at this park bench. But Jaebum is all giddy with excitement as he helps Mark to sit,

“Just wait right here! I’ll only be gone for a second!”

Mark watches as the alpha takes off in a jog and soon the omega can see a food stand off a bit in the distance. There’s already a line but it’s not too long and Jaebum is up to the front in no time. Mark can’t help the small smile that comes forth as Jaebum is using english to try and communicate with the nice lady. Jaebum is struggling a bit but he’s still confident as he finally gets the order right and thanks her. 

The alpha is so cute as he’s trying so hard before he’s walking back with what looks like cones of some kind in these big wrappers. They’re big too with all sorts of goodies and Jaebum looks like a kid winning the jackpot of sweets with his big grin and playful, excited gaze,

“Here! I just know you’re gonna love it. When I was thinking of places to go, I looked up in the area of some things you'd like and I know how much you love pancakes and sweets. This is like a pancake but it’s called a crepe and you can put so many different toppings on and just--try it! Tell me what you think.”

Jaebum sits down close to him as he eagerly waits for Mark to try it. Mark takes the crepe carefully by the wrapper and stares at it. Whipped cream is oozing from the top with all sorts of fruits inside with drizzles of chocolate all around. It does look really appetizing even with Mark not being hungry. But Jaebum looks so excited so he takes a small bite and---

Mark’s eyes go wide in shock at how good it actually is and lets out a pleased noise.

“It’s good isn’t it? I did good?” 

God, Jaebum is just adorable as he really wants to please Mark. 

“You did very good. I like it. But,”

“But?” Jaebum raises an eyebrow as he’s trying to think of what Mark might not like about it when suddenly Mark leans over and takes a bite out of his.

“I like strawberries too you know,” Mark says back playfully.

Mark leans back with a smile growing at Jaebum’s shocked expression and soon a giggle comes forth before Jaebum is going all soft and melting at the sight. 

“I like you more,” Jaebum tells him as he leans over and swipes his thumb at the corner of Mark’s lips and gets the whipped cream there before licking his thumb clean.

Wait...were they flirting? 

A blush forms on Mark’s face as he ducks his head shyly, but he can’t help but take a peek to see more of Jaebum’s bright expression. 

Has he never noticed how handsome Jaebum’s always been? Or was he just blinded by Jackson? 

His heart skips a beat at that and something stirs inside. Mark takes another bite out of his crepe to busy himself so he doesn’t do something stupid or worse, have a breakdown. 

But he finds the silence is comfortable. That it’s nice too. And the fact that Jaebum is still giving him all his attention...that was really nice as well…

And as they sit there eating their crepes, Jaebum can’t help his grin from growing when he finds Mark scooting closer until their sides touch…

And he might’ve just also leaned over in response and took a huge bite out of Mark’s crepe as payback. And that ‘Bummie!’ from Mark had him smiling and laughing that dinosaur laugh as his one cheek puffed out and he went all eye smile...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jackson's new song is so fire and watching the music video and at the part near the end where he's standing there watching the love of his life go, I'm like, 'It's like he knows the story I'm writing!' Ugh the feels. Anyway, I really enjoyed it. I hope you guys did too.


End file.
